Chapter Six: HONOR
Having seen many rock concerts in the distant past by many “legends” of rock and roll, in the late 1990’s I shifted to seeing primarily Christian concerts. Back in March of 2000, I attended a great rock concert along with over three thousand other folks in Highlands Ranch, Colorado. After two opening groups, out on stage came the “Newsboys.” It was a fantastic concert! One of the best I have ever attended! Before they performed, a man from Australia came on stage to speak to the crowd. His Australian accent was so pronounced I had some difficulty understanding him, even though I am familiar with that accent since I had a friend in the fifth and sixth grades from Australia. The man had only been speaking for a minute when he posed a question to the audience.
The question the man from Australia asked was, ‘Is there anyone here who does not have a father?’ The entire audience was silent. The man repeated the question, and then a young lady who was near the center of the stage less than twenty rows back raised her hand. The Australian man said that God cares for and looks after the fatherless. He told the young lady that God has good things for her. Then he had the crowd pass her a free t-shirt.
The teenager took the t-shirt, and then she turned and embraced her friend who was right next to her. She cried softly in the embrace of her friend for several minutes. She also received pats on the shoulder from two other friends during that time. Watching her express feelings in the arm of a friend, I was touched. That young lady at a concert packed with people was singled out as a person who matters to God. In the embrace with her friend, many eyes were on a person with plenty of needs, dreams, and hurts in her heart.
You may also have needs, dreams, and hurts. You also matter to God. There are times when you may feel like you are an individual in a big crowd whom no one really knows intimately. Sometimes you may feel like no one cares about you. Personally I use to carry around much in my heart that I wanted to express, but often there did not seem to be anyone who could relate, or even anyone who really wanted to listen in the first place. How about you? Yet God does care, and God is open to listening about what is on your heart, to the extent of every last detail. And God has much to tell us also, if we will listen.
But does God really understand what we are going through? We are people who make mistakes in a messed up place, and God is God. How can God relate? The truth is that God showed He understands because Jesus came for us. Jesus did not live on earth to serve Himself. Jesus was on earth to do the will of the Father, which was to help others. For the sake of others, Jesus preached the truth and healed people. Though doing only what was good, Jesus was hated by some. Taking the burdens of people in His own heart and being subject to hate caused Jesus much suffering. That suffering went to the ultimate extent of physical and spiritual death as Jesus took upon Himself the sins of people on the cross. We cannot fully comprehend the suffering that Jesus endured, dying to offer salvation to any person who would or will receive Him.
As to whether Jesus can relate to family problems, contemplate who Jesus was as He was raised in a family in Israel. Scripture states that Jesus was and is without sin (I Peter 1:19). His nature on earth was that of being fully God, yet He relinquished many of His supernatural abilities as Jesus was also fully human. Remaining perfectly righteous as a human being, Jesus was not raised in a perfect family. In fact, had Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus, not been open to God's intervention, Jesus would have been born to a single divorced mother, which is explained in Matthew 1:18-19.
“This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.”
So Mary and Joseph were pledged to be married, and back then an engagement meant the commitment was already sealed. Then Mary became pregnant even though she had not had sex with anyone, because she had become pregnant supernaturally by the Holy Spirit. Joseph is said to have been righteous, yet the context of the word in this passage does not mean perfect, rather a person seeking to do right and known as righteous among peers. Learning of the pregnancy, Joseph assumed Mary had sex with some other man. Leviticus 20:10 states that if an Israelite man committed adultery with an Israelite wife, both were due the punishment of death. Note that the word neighbor in this verse included all Israelites as the context of Leviticus 19:18 shows.
Apparently those rulers were not following the prescribed punishments of every Mosaic Law, and the Jewish ruling council at that time may have been coming up with their own legislation. Mary was not in danger of getting a death penalty, but Joseph’s concern was that Mary would be disgraced by the religious rulers. Mary probably would have been publicly disgraced, and Joseph wanted mercy for her. Joseph decided in haste to take a serious measure, which was to get a divorce.
The reason Joseph did not seek a divorce is that an angel of the Lord told him in a dream what had really happened. Joseph did the will of God by remaining engaged to Mary, and by naming the child “Jesus” as the angel said to do. In Matthew 1:14, Joseph obeyed an angel of the Lord again, leaving their homeland to flee to Egypt with Mary so that the baby Jesus would not be killed by the wicked King Herod. And before all of that happened, there was the obedience of Mary, a young woman who did the will of God, as her response to an angel from God shows: “‘I am the Lord’s servant,’ Mary answered. ‘May it be to me as you have said’”(Luke 1:38). And in Luke 2:21-24, the married couple followed the Law by taking Jesus to Jerusalem to present the boy at the temple and to offer sacrifice. The loving devotion to God by Joseph and Mary are shown by these actions.
Shown the obedience of Joseph and Mary to God, we also are shown those two individuals were not perfect. That is why Joseph was so quick in his decision to divorce his wife, apparently without even talking with her. And Mary showed her need for salvation, stating in Luke 1:46-47; ‘My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior…’ Those two individuals, like you and me, made some mistakes, and they also needed forgiveness.
Jesus loved His earthly parents. Even in His adulthood, Jesus chose John, the disciple to whom He was the closest with while a human on earth, to take care of His earthly mom after He was crucified. And there also was honor. Though Joseph and Mary were not perfect, Jesus was obedient to them in His youth (Luke 2:51). Because Jesus fulfilled the Law, a child of God has the Holy Spirit in the heart to enable him or her to honor a parent as a unique human being, a command affirmed by Jesus in Matthew 19:19. God wants honor ascribed to a person’s parents because, first, a fundamental honor for all human beings for who they are as people, created in the image of God, is good. Secondly, a fundamental honor for parents for their unique relation to their children is good.
Respect involved in properly honoring parents is what I will term a “corridor of respect.” Such honor is not respect that is based on wrong behavior, so there need not be respect for wrongdoings of a parent! A “corridor of respect” starts with an acknowledgment that a parent is a parent. After my college graduation ceremony, I began talking to a woman who was a friend of mine. Though my parents were near me, I gave them no attention, and I do not even think I introduced them to my friend. I simply was caught up in talking with my friend. Now I never have tried to disown my parents, but maybe such bad things have taken place in a parental relationship that you want to disown a parent. Yet God wants you to stick to the facts, even when those facts are hurtful and complicated. Acknowledge your parent for who they are, and honor them in the Lord.
This chapter was challenging for me to write. There was one day when I got a rare stomach ache, and I think it was because I was getting distraught writing about honoring my parents. I felt like if my one parent did some stuff that was wrong, how could I continue to honor that parent? Again, honoring a parent is not being convicted your parent is a moral person or a good person or even a loving person. Honoring a parent is respecting a parent that they gave you birth and helped to raise you. It is as basic as that.
Let's face it, in a divorced family, things are not right. But that does not mean things need to keep sliding in a worse direction for you. One common action by the son or daughter of divorced parents is to take out frustrations on parents for being divorced. When a person ties in hurt from the divorce with day to day issues, daily interaction with a parent becomes increasingly turbulent. If there is an appropriate opportunity to express a frustration with a parent regarding the divorce, do some talking. But in the course of general interaction with a parent, do not put your relationship with your parent on a burner of frustrations.
The beginning of the ‘Lord's Prayer’ was discussed in chapter two. That prayer is a good prayer model, but praying does not involve saying the same words all of the time. Prayer is talking to God. I talk to God about all kinds of stuff. In different places, at different times, God gets conversation from me. God is the greatest friend I have, so it makes sense that I want to talk with Him often. I encourage you to talk with God frequently. Refrain from letting an issue swirl in your heart. Talk about what is on your heart and mind.
In a divorced family situation, the desires of the two parents may be in blatant contradiction with one another. If each of your parents wants you to do something different, who do you listen too? Try to figure out what is best that will appease both, and then set boundaries. For an example, here was a conflict that happened for me. When I lived with my mom, she got upset when my dad would call the house wanting to talk with me. Quite the dilemma having one parent who wants to talk with you on the phone, and the other parent who does not want you on the phone with your other parent. This led to me discouraging my dad from calling me at home. But where else was he going to call me? A good boundary would have been to have my dad call on a specific night every week. My mom may have gotten use to that, and then my dad could have kept the calling within that time frame. Problems are inevitable if your parents are divorced. If you are willing to do ask God for help time after time, and if you are willing to do extra work to try and make things better, there is a potential for things to improve.
By now you may be wondering whether God really wants parents to be honored. This was one of the ‘Ten Commandments,’ which was part of the Mosaic Law. The Mosaic Law was given from God through Moses within the covenant offered by God to the people of Israel (Exodus 24:7). God stated how obedience to the Mosaic Law would result in long life and prosperity for Israelites. During the continued history of Israel, there was never complete obedience to the Law. That covenant need no longer be in effect, since the Messiah, Jesus, furthered the Law and fulfilled the Law, and now has His furthered moral Law applying to all people, not just Israelites. Jeremiah gave a prophecy that would happen.
Though people no longer need to abide by the Mosaic Law’s sacrificial commands, cleanliness laws, or civil laws, the Law furthered by Jesus includes the moral commands which we are to adhere to. Know that if you consider the Law furthered by Jesus, you will realize that only a person enabled by the Spirit of Jesus can be obedient. And that is indeed the call of children of God, to abide in Christ. Because of the teaching recorded in Matthew 15:3-6, there seems to be an affirmation of morality in honoring parents.
Now honoring your parents does not mean that you do whatever they say. Following God’s ways brings goodness, and it is within the premise of His guidance that you should follow His command to honor your parents. So do not engage in wrongdoing, even if a parent or parents tell you to do something wrong. Honoring others never should involve you doing anything which is wrong.
What if you are being abused? If you are being abused, the loving act is to remove yourself from the abusive situation. Allow me to support this with a Biblical explanation. In Matthew 5:39, Jesus states that an evil person should not be resisted, and that you should turn the other check when struck. So reading this verse, you might consider that a parent should not be resisted if they inflict physical abuse, such as beatings or sexual acts, especially if your parent loves you. But that is not the case! It is imperative that the words of Jesus be taken in context. The context of the verse is the command to not take the Law into your own hands.
The context is taken from the proceeding statement by Jesus, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, tooth for tooth,’” which is from Exodus 21:24. Under the covenant between God and the Israelites, certain Israelites were to judge for the adherence to the Mosaic Law, and sometimes people of the community were to carry out the punishment. This is no longer the case! Since even Israelites given the high responsibility of judging failed to properly judge according to God’s Law, Jesus removed people from their role of judging according to the Law (Matthew 7:1-2). And in the passage of Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus likewise ended the responsibility of people carrying out prescribed punishments. This fact of the shifted responsibility of judging and punishing is powerfully illustrated in John 8:1-11.
Judgment and punishment for sins became the sole responsibility of God. Sin always has bad spiritual and physical consequences, so God does not want us to sin. God will carry out permanent justice, condemning those who are not redeemed by Jesus. God is just. Thus the context of not resisting an evil person is to refrain from personally judging and punishing, and to accept that such responsibility belongs to God. We are to forgive and care for all people instead. Yet caring for is not synonymous with taking abuse.
God has sanctioned certain authority which includes judging and punishing, but not directly for sins. Parents have certain authority over children in their youth. And government institutions have certain authority to implement laws they have determined to be proper, judge, and carry out punishment for those citizens who “break” their laws. But they are not directly judging for sins. I add that governmental laws that are counter to the teachings of Jesus, the Messiah, should not be followed, since they are not in good conscience, a key word in Romans 13:5! For example, that is why a Christian can give out Bibles in a country were doing so is illegal, because Jesus gave the command to teach people what He commanded, which is recorded in the Bible.
God is the only One to judge for sins, and He will. The context of Christ’s command in Matthew 5:39 indicates that a human is to forgo revenge and allow God to carry out justice. No human is supposed to take personal revenge! Not common is the world, is it? That is why the commands of Jesus, when carefully interpreted, are not ridiculous, yet they are radical. So forgo revenge, yet get out of the line of abuse!
Regarding specific ways of reacting to people who treat us wrongly, God’s guidance is needed in each individual case. What is ridiculous for a child of God is doing what God knows is bad. God wants you to take care of yourself in a reasonable manner. Not to do so is bad. God does not want a person living in a line of abuse, because that is the opposite of taking care of yourself. Also God wants good for a person committing abuse, and the first step is for them to stop doing what is wrong. Therefore, if you are a person who is currently being abused, you need God’s guidance of the appropriate manner to get help.
No solution may seem possible, but asking God to guide you and enable you to talk to someone you trust is a step that is always available. Maybe you even need to talk with someone you trust if you are simply confused about things. And if you were abused in the past, now is the time to start talking to God about that. So the summary on this topic of abuse is that Jesus does not want abuse taking place. His guidance is needed.
So what is the summary of this difficult topic of honoring parents? Like all people, all parents sin. For some parents, their behavior is horrible. Yet God wants what is best for you and your parents, because He loves everyone, and God sanctioned parenthood. Depending on God to honor actually brings blessings to you. Such dependence on Him means that you can honor your parents for who they are, aside from what they have done or are doing.
I do not want to give an unrealistic message! There may still be major struggles in a relationship with a parent or parents, or there may still be little or no contact with a parent or parents. Or a parent or parents may consistently do wrongs, and you will not respect their actions. And though depending on God, you may not always recognize improvement in relationships. The dynamics of your physical family could get worse, yet that family mess will not be your responsibility or your future!
Jesus gave an analogy in Luke 12:52-53 showing that His mission on earth was not to force the unification of earthly family members. Love cannot be forced. The mission of Jesus was to provide the way for people to be united with God. Jesus said that division would take place in families specifically because of Him, as some family members would turn to Him, while others would turn away from Him. So a person who follows Jesus is going to know a unique strife in this world, which may include challenges and disappointments with family relationships aside from divorce. In this world, a child of God must accept some suffering for God, but know that suffering for God serves a good purpose. And within the suffering, a person who follows Jesus has true love in the present, and great things in the future, which leads to the last chapter.
