Chapter Four: HEALING
All people have been hurt in this world. There are people who have experienced hurts I cannot relate to, and for those of us who have divorced parents, we have experienced hurts other people may not be able to relate to. Hurts should not be compared to one another. Being hurt by the wrongdoing of a family member has a terrible effect. If you have been hurt, how can you get healing? I will answer that question directly in this chapter. To preface that answer, I look at some common responses people have when hurt after the divorce of their parents.
Four general common ways that people tend to deal with being hurt is by withdrawing, feeling guilty, getting angry, or by becoming sad. To give an example of the first, I briefly go back to the orchestra concert. However much I hurt Angel by giving her a scowl and then walking on by, I do not know. I can say that I really hurt myself by my own doings. And my reaction was to withdraw.
The opportunity was available for me to communicate with Angel, and tell her that I was sorry. Talking to Angel’s friend who had a locker by me would have been a good idea. I could have told her why I was upset that night and could have said I was sorry. Now Angel’s friend was spending little time at her locker when I was at my locker, and she was not even looking my way when at her locker. But she probably would have conveyed what I said to Angel. Or writing a letter to Angel would have been a good mode for saying that I was sorry. But I did neither. Instead, as Angel's friend avoided me, I started avoiding her. I refused to think about the whole incident.
What I did was so hurtful, I tried to “withdraw” from it. My example here is different than a situation where a person's parents have been divorced, since I hurt myself. But the point is that when someone hurts you, or if you hurt yourself, you must face that fact in or-der to get healing.
During my parent’s separation, my one sister wrote a story. She was enthusiastic about her story, and she knew I enjoyed writing, so she wanted me to read her piece. I declined to read it, and I think she was disappointed and discouraged that I abstained from the reading. The reason I did not read her story was that from her brief description, I knew the story expressed the hurt she was feeling about our parent's separation. And since I was dealing with my own pain, I could not handle more pain from someone I cared for. In a family struck with separation and divorce, hurts are all around, so the subject is often avoided.
A second way people react after being hurt is by feeling guilty, believing they somehow promoted the hurtful action. When it comes to divorce, there is an all encompassing statement to this response. If your parents are divorced, you are not at fault, since a marriage vow is between a husband and a wife only. Two people; they are the only ones in a marriage covenant, though Christians hopefully make their vows before God asking Him to enable them to keep the vow. Thus it is only one of those two who can break the vow. Months before I started this book, I was talking to a supervisor at a temp job I was working at a cool place in Denver, just north of the city. He said that when his parents got divorced, he felt he was to blame. He went for a long time with guilt. I told him he was not one of the people who made a vow, thus he was not responsible for his parent’s divorce. Likewise, you are not responsible for the divorce of your parents. Realize that, and have no guilt.
A third way people deal with being hurt is by getting angry. We have all been angry at some time, so we all know what that is like. Anger which is harbored can become entrenched anger that is harmful. Ephesians 4:31 mentions the state of bitterness, which is related to anger. Bitterness that takes root in a person is going to cause recurring problems. Angry or bitter people may be identifiable, yet since people express anger in different ways, anger or bitterness may be hard to detect.
Anger was my response to the separation of my parents. I did not act differently with friends, co-workers, or people on the whole. Yet anger was there, and it did not go away with time. Anger brings even more hurt to yourself, because when you express it, you hurt relationships with the people you are funneling your anger at. I got angry on occasion with people I loved, and it hurt our relationships. When I first turned to Jesus, I felt anger had been taken away from me. That was simply the beginning of a long process of Jesus working in me to teach me to make the choice not to lose my temper at people, and enabling me to do the radical action that I am going to take about in this chapter in a bit. I had an anger problem, and it has been a long haul toward complete healing. I am grateful for healing.
The Bible does not say to never get angry. We are instructed to be slow to get angry (James 1:19). Yet the instruction from Ephesians 4:31 says to get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger. The message indicates that a person is not to remain in a state of anger. But a person badly hurt by his or her parents might say that a dreadful wrong was committed, and if restitution has not been offered, then she or he has a right to remain angry with the parent or parents. There are some problems with this deduction, not so much because of the actions of our parents, but more so us. Anger itself is not bad, if it is righteous. But when you express anger in an improper way, you are actually furthering a chain reaction. Anger, if not righteous, causes hurt.
An example of righteous anger is clear in the Bible. There is a recorded time when Jesus got angry. That is when some people were selling doves, sheep, and cattle, and ex-changing money in the temple of God before the Passover feast. Jesus went so far as to flip over tables of the money exchangers. Then Jesus gave a specific rebuke to the people who were selling doves. Jesus said, “Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!” (John 2:16).
Doves were used in accordance with the Law as means for offering a sin sacrifice. God was providing the means for the sacrifice under the Law given to the Israelites by providing doves for people. Yet merchants were turning the dove selling into a profit right there in the place where the sacrifice was to be offered, perverting the meaning of the sacrifice. Leviticus 5:7 explains how a person who was unable to afford a lamb could give two doves or pigeons to a priest to be sacrificed to God as payment for specific sins committed by the person. There had to be a sacrifice for those sins, and God desired that a sacrifice provision be available to everyone, regardless of his or her financial state.
Jesus was angry because people were doing wrong in His Father’s house. His anger was righteous. In Scripture, Jesus Christ is called the Righteous One, since He, God the Son, was the only person in this world who was completely righteous. The Bible states in Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” So whereas Jesus is righteous, we people are not completely righteous. However, Scripture explains that by believing in Jesus, a person is made righteous by Him. Yet this is a process done by God, assured to be completed for the person who has believed in Jesus as her or his Savior and Lord. Complete righteousness is known for that person when she or he is with Jesus in full in heaven.
When angry, there are two points that you need to nestle. First, remember that God loves people more than we can imagine, thus He desires mercy. We have been offered God’s mercy, and we should want that same mercy for other people. Second, remember that God is just, and He carries out justice. All sins will be accounted for. A key to dealing with anger is to “put” the wrong doings of others into God’s hands. He is merciful; He is just. People are accountable to Him for sins, and I need to release control of that.
A fourth common reaction to hurt from the divorce of parents can be healthy, and that is by getting sad. This can be healthy since if you are sad, acknowledgment and expression of sadness can lead to dealing with rather than suppressing grief. When I was young, I learned that two of my relatives were going to get a divorce. That night before I went to bed, I cried. Getting sad when you are hurt is natural. Yet a constant state of sadness is not what God wants. As the separation of parents continues, there is that danger.
Grieving for the divorce of my parents was strange. During the first few years that my parents were separated, in my view there was a possibility that they might get back together, though there finally came a point where I thought that possibility had diminished. After certain actions in the course of my parent’s separation, rather than feeling sad, I felt sort of numb inside. If your parent’s divorce likewise was a muddled situation, ask yourself if you did indeed mourn the breakup of your family.
So face wrongdoings and properly express sadness, but do not dwell in sadness. Grieving, and turning to God during your state of grief, is a necessary action. Going through a mourning process is necessary so that you can face hurts with God. When the situation which brought sadness is faced with God, then a person can be led out of the mourning process. God does not want us to remain sad, God wants us to be joyful. Joy comes from Him, and is received by the person who has realistically confronted wrongdoings and hurts, and who has turned to Him for healing.
I said earlier that God’s revelation work includes the Person of the Holy Spirit. Revelations are given not only so we can have and believe them, but so we may also live accordingly. I mentioned that being separated from God, there is much we do not see. Some people who lived two thousand years ago were able to see Jesus. But He was only physically on earth for about thirty-three years. And some people who physically saw Jesus did not see His glory as He acted according to His heart. Of the many wonderful things we are not capable of seeing, the Person of the Holy Spirit is included. We may not see the Holy Spirit, but we can see the results of what He does.
The Holy Spirit lives in the heart of a person who has opened up her or his heart to Jesus (I Corinthians 3:16). And I have been using the word heart, but I am not talking about that organ in our chest that pumps blood. The term heart is also a spiritual term, again something that is definitely a part of us, a part of a soul, yet cannot be seen by humans. And for a child of God, someone who has received Christ, the Holy Spirit dwells there.
The Holy Spirit is the third Person of the Trinity. God the Spirit fits right in with what has been discussed regarding the family of God and eternal life in Christ. In our current physical state, we live in the family by the Spirit. “And by [the Spirit] we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.” (Romans 8:15-16). And in our physical bodies that will one day see death, the Spirit testifies to our eternal life in Christ (Romans 8:10 and I Corinthians 2:12).
The Holy Spirit is not a Person whom a child of God simply needs to only chill out with when in church, or a Person to solely get all emotional with. Suppose after a rough day at school or work, a person heads off to a place where he or she thinks the Spirit may be. With good music, he or she prays to have the Spirit come be with him or her so that His loving presence will be felt. But then the person says ‘see you later,’ and goes home. This is not the relationship that the Father desires for a child of God. The Holy Spirit is ever present in the child of God. The truth is, when a Christian is lounging on the couch, the Holy Spirit is still in his or her heart. And if that person does something wrong, the Holy Spirit is still in his or her heart, and He is grieved.
Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14:15-17). Why? Because the commands of Jesus result in loving ways. In order to live by love, a person needs to rely on the Holy Spirit.
A child of God, Jewish or any other part of the human race, no longer lives under the law furthered by Jesus, rather that person lives by the Spirit, which Romans 7 through 8:17 makes clear. Yet a child of God needs to learn the law furthered by Jesus, because a child of God is to strive to obey the commandments of Jesus Christ, moral commands which call for a life of loving God and people. This is possible since a person living by the Spirit gains the desire and ability to live by the love of Jesus.
A personal example on this subject is that Jesus furthered a commandment, one of the “Ten Commandments,” not to murder, saying that no one should harbor anger. As one who harbored anger after the divorce of my parents, I was condemned by this commandment, yet I am now forgiven because I have received Jesus who forgave my sins. And as one whose natural tendency was to take on anger when hurt, and to accumulate anger, I can obey Christ’s command when I allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. Upon giving my heart to Jesus, He put the Holy Spirit in my heart, thus I am enabled to love and obey God. God has made what was impossible for me, possible. The Spirit can make a person to be more like Jesus.
I still have not said how to get healing. I finally get to that point. Here is the specific healing act, radical as it may seem. If you have been hurt by your parents in any way, you will receive healing if you forgive them.
Forgiveness is what you need to do in order to be healed. God wants a husband and wife to love each other, and to love and participate in the life of any children. God wants married couples to adhere to their wedding vow. If that did not happen in your family, forgive. And subsequent to the separation and divorce, maybe there have been hurtful things said or wrongs done. As you keep forgiving, there is continued healing. In a divorced family, there is often the need for much healing over much time.
Forgiving someone is hard. Several occasions or many may be necessary to pray about some specific wrongs that you need to bring before God. Forgiving my parents involved several stages over a period of time. Yet if Jesus is your Savior and Lord, then you are forgiven of sins, and you have God to enable you to forgive others.
Concerning the general issue of forgiving, I recall once when I went about four months without forgiving a Christian brother for a single act done to me. I needed to forgive him. And in time, I also needed forgiveness for saying some mean things about him to a friend, which resulted from not forgiving him immediately. Encouragement from a caring friend helped, unfortunately I did not forgive. I then put a written reminder to call him and apologize on my bookcase. But I still did not call or forgive.
God had to keep working on me so I would recognize that not forgiving the person was wrong, and that I needed to make amends. God was patient with me, allowing me to express anger, allowing me to withdraw from the situation, and allowing me to quiet myself before Him. Indeed this all took four months. And then when I was ready to listen to God, He gently guided me to forgive. Relying on God, I forgave. The action of forgiving was harder after time because bitterness only becomes more entrenched with time. The saying that time heals is a lie. There are some people of all ages who need healing for a hurt from youth that did not heal with time. Yet on the other end, if you have gone a long time without forgiving someone, do not think it is too late. God can enable you to forgive anyone right now.
Do you know why Jesus offers you forgiveness? He does so because He loves you. Forgiveness is an aspect of love. When we forgive people, we are loving God and those people. The child of God who prays in sincerity to God to forgive someone, will be enabled to forgive. But do not be surprised if there is some painful work done in your heart before you are ready. Forgiving parents brings healing. Forgiving anyone brings healing.
Confronting the wrongdoings of a loved one is hard. But you must face what he or she has done, because then you can acknowledge the need to forgive. You do not even need to know a single detail about why you parents are divorced in order to forgive. Simply recognize that the divorce was a result of wrongdoing of one or both parents, and then for-give. What if someone does not acknowledge wrongdoing or does not accept your forgiveness? How a person reacts to an expression of forgiveness has nothing to do with the act of forgiveness itself. If you forgive, forgiveness has taken place in your heart. Know that forgiveness can take place even if you no longer have contact with a person or if a person has passed away. Forgiving anyone involves only you and God!
Only God can offer the forgiveness of sins. The Bible shows how Israelites were aware of this fact. When you forgive someone, you are letting go of the wrong done to you. You are not cleansing them of any wrongdoing. People must accept forgiveness from Jesus to have the forgiveness of sins. Those who do not will be accountable to God for their wrongdoings. The Father sent Jesus for the purpose of forgiving sins. If you have given your heart to Jesus, you are forgiven of your sins. And people forgiven for sins against God are prime for forgiving people who have hurt them when sinning against God.
Forgiving is possible for a child of God. Jesus enables. Jesus made it extremely clear in Matthew 6:14-15 that people need to forgive people for wrongdoings. That is because Jesus wants what is best for you. If you forgive someone who has hurt you, you open up yourself for more of His love. When you forgive, anger or bitterness is removed from your heart. True love from God fills a cleansed heart. Receiving God's love to a new extent brings healing. In Christ you can be restored by God's love. And from there you will be able to love people more.
The first time I ever read the New Testament, I intently noticed the specific physical and spiritual healing many people received from Jesus. People who had faith in Jesus and approached Him for healing were healed. Jesus was revealed to me as a miraculous healer. He is not physically here now, so if you get physically hurt, get physical help. But you should still enter prayer when physically hurt, because God’s spiritual intervention has a direct physical impact. And concerning hurts that are unseen yet real, we need to turn to Jesus, who works through the Holy Spirit in our spiritual heart. God wants to remove bad stuff in a heart, and God is willing to mend any broken heart submitted to Him. Healing is available through Jesus Christ as marvelous and miraculous as ever.
