My Parents Are Divorced - Chapter 7 - Dream On

Chapter Seven:   DREAM ON

   When Jesus began His ministry work, He preached, taught, and healed people.  In the course of His teaching, Jesus spent much time having discussions with people, and He made many statements about God.  When Jesus would gently explain that He was the Son of God, which was the equivalent of “Messiah,” some people did not believe Him, and they would argue with Him.  On one such occasion, Jesus stated He was God the Son, and explained how eternal life comes through Him.

   Jesus said in John 6:38; “For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me.”

   Then Jesus said a few sentences later in John 6:40; “For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day.”

   After saying these statements, the people listening started to “grumble” about His claim that He came down from heaven.  Then they made a noteworthy statement.

   In John 6:42 they said, “Is this not Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know?  How can he now say, ‘I came down from heaven’?”

   The people thought they were quite knowledgeable.  We know who your parents are.  We know whose son you are.  We know where you come from.  We know.

   Jesus did come from heaven, and He is back there now.  In addition I assure you that neither you nor I came from heaven, yet heaven is the destiny God desires for all people.  The question is: what destiny do you desire?

   If you come from a divorced family, you may have felt at times that your future was stifled by the sad fact that you come from a broken family.  Even now you might feel as though people could scoff in your face, “We know what family you come from.  What hope is there for your dreams?”  Please know that such a sentiment is a lie.  Where you come from is not the determiner of your future.  Where you are headed is the determiner.

   Where you are headed is tied in with who you are.  On another occasion when Jesus was in a heated discussion with people, He was asked a question which echoes with irony to this day.  The blunt question asked of Jesus in John 8:53 was:  “Who do you think you are?”

   Jesus did tell them who He was.  But they did not believe.  If you believe in Jesus as your personal Savior and Lord, then you can be ready evermore for the question, “Who do you think you are?”  You can know you are a child of God!  And if you are a child of God, you are a person with a Father who wants incredible dreams to come true for you.  By wanting to live by His guidance, you are on a path of realizing dreams, because God wants to enable you to live out good dreams.

   For six years, I spent much time with my grandma.  She is my friend, and I most enjoy when she tells me about her life back in the thirties, forties, and fifties.  She has told of how much nicer the city life was back then.  She has also told sad stories about what happened to people over a half century ago due to sin.  As grandma talks about her youth and friends from her earlier years, she affirms that family problems and divorce in society are nothing new.  As the Old Testament shows, divorce was even taking place thousands of years ago.  Yet in this messed up world, the everlasting love of God is available.  A person in Christ's love has her or his part in His victory, which is everlasting joy and peace.

   So joy in Christ can be your future, and what is past in a divorced family can have closure.  You can realize closure with past occurrences while still recognizing that those bad incidences did happen.  Full closure takes place when you are no longer negatively affected in the present by what occurred in your family in the past.  In some divorced families, many things are left unsaid.  In my family, opposite from acknowledgments and apologies, the issue is avoided.  Rather than getting on a topic that is on a landfill of past problems, many families avoid the subject of the divorce.  It goes back to the withdraw reaction on a corporate basis.  In your family, the subject may be off limits.

   Tears have been shed on occasion as I have written this book.  Truly, it was after I started writing this book that I realized the need to forgive my parents for all wrongs that resulted in their separation and divorce, which I told about in the Introduction.  After talking to God for a long time there on the grass by the library, at a point when I was not saying anything, a university bell close to me tolled.  I knew God had enabled me to forgive them.

   You can forgive your parents and have closure concerning their divorce.  You can be anywhere and talk with God about the situation.  Another good move may be to write down on paper your thoughts and feelings regarding your family situation.  How has the divorce of your parents affected you?  I find writing thoughts in my journal to be an excellent way of expression.  I journal about what I read in the Bible.  Or if I think of some good point, I write it down.  Sometimes I journal about thoughts from the past.  There is an aspect of finality when you get something on paper.  You could put some finality to your thoughts on the divorce of your parents.

   To give an example, I will express some thoughts I have had in the past on the divorce of my parents right here: “The five year separation, which seemed much longer and was terrible, followed by the divorce of my parents, hurt me.  Specific wrongs done by my parents really hurt me.  There was so much hurt done to me.  Because of their separation and divorce that resulted from wrongdoings, I was hurt really bad.  Some actions that were done were horrible.  And I reacted by having much anger over a period of time.  Also, there have been problems with my parents related to their divorce ever since.”

   I sit here contemplating these facts, and I am able to add: “Thank you God for enabling me to forgive them.  I forgive them.  I forgive them for real hurtful stuff done to me.  I love my dad.  I love my mom.  Praise be to You Holy God.”

   Now if this were my private journal, I might go into many more specifics on each statement.  If you have a private journal or diary, you can list some specific frustrations or such, and then you can say or write a prayer to God concerning problems.  When I write down a prayer to God, I draw a cross and then write something to God next to it.  Regarding any wrongdoings, you could say or write a prayer to be enabled to forgive.  If you do not have a journal, simply write on a blank sheet of paper.  You could even write something in this book if you own it, though you may want to keep your statements in a private place.  My suggestion is that, before you complete this book, you write at least one sentence down about how you feel about your family situation.

   When there is closure on many issues of the past, you can give more attention to the present.  And if you know Christ, everlasting good things will be known even if you are experiencing many present difficulties and hardships.  Worshiping God with brothers and sisters in Christ is important, and I have been blessed by experiences on church “retreats” in the past.  But a relationship with God is not something you go all out for only for one hour on Sunday or on a retreat twice a year.  A relationship with Jesus involves receiving God's love daily and acting daily with that love.  A relationship with God is about being in His presence constantly.  We can receive and act with God's love by constantly entrusting ourselves to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

   There is an incident revealed in Luke 2:41-50 which shows that even in the family of Jesus in Israel, things did not go smoothly every day.  When Jesus was twelve years old, the family took their yearly trip to Jerusalem for the Passover.  Jewish men were actually required to travel to Jerusalem three times a year for three different feasts as prescribed in Deuteronomy 16:16.  The Feast of Unleavened Bread, which commences with the Passover supper, goes for an entire week.

   Rather than taking a head count before the return trip, the parents of Jesus assumed He was along with everyone else in their traveling entourage which included other children, and probably relatives and friends.  His parents expected Jesus to be with them, and the family traveled for a whole day until Joseph and Mary realized that their oldest child was not with them.  When His parents finally found Jesus in the temple courts after three days, apparently they did not even yell at the boy.  Mary did tell Jesus that she and Joseph had been anxiously searching for Him.

   Jesus did not follow His family because even though he was young, He knew the Father wanted Him to talk with people in the temple at that time.  And though we cannot know for sure, considering that the wording of Luke specifies the Passover, and not the Feast of Unleavened Bread, I am convinced that Joseph had the family leaving before the final Sabbath day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread.  Also consider the wording of how they were following the "custom" whereas attending the Passover and Feast of Unleavened Bread was a command of the Law.  Joseph should not have left early if he did.  Jesus followed the Mosaic Law however!

   Jesus was not concerned in the least that He had been left by His family of this world, because Jesus knew He was where He was supposed to be at that time, in His Father's house.  But maybe you feel like you are where you are supposed to be, in your house, and yet there in that place you find constant turmoil.  Maybe your house is no longer home.  Believe that Jesus wants you to live with Him in His Father's house, irrelevant of your circumstances in this world.  Turning to God does not mean you are instantaneously transported from your earthly home.  It does mean that you have an eternal Father now, and that you are on a journey home.  That journey involves learning and experiencing more wonderful truths about God which can have an immediate effect in you.

   The parents of Jesus traveled another day back to Jerusalem, and then looked for Jesus for three days.  But maybe the situation is so bad in your house that you feel you could wander off, and no one would come looking for you.  Or maybe you did stray somewhere, or maybe you strayed into something, something that was not good.  Maybe no one seemed to care.  If you did get attention for your actions, maybe you did not get compassion.  But I have good news right here and now.  Jesus has come looking for you, and He not only knows where you are right this moment, but He cares.

   Though there has been a separation between God and people, God has not deserted people.  Just as God continued to offer interaction with Adam and Eve after they had to leave the Garden of Eden, God's desire is to interact with all people.  The Bible records much interaction between God and people.  God continues to intervene in the lives of those who will receive Him.  Jesus knew that you and me, being separated from the complete presence of God, would stray in our hearts away from God.  Jesus the Christ, the Son of God, the Messiah, anticipated by the Jewish people, the Israelites, with whom God kept His promise, came to offer forgiveness and unification.  If you have never opened up to Jesus, know that He is knocking at the door of your heart, still, because He loves you.  Any person who opens the door of her or his heart to Jesus, because of His obedience on the cross, is united with the One who has promised that He will never leave or forsake that person (Hebrews 13:5).

   For those who have been in a relationship with Jesus, maybe you come from a divorced family where things are in such disarray that you have felt there are times when you have been left all alone even though it says in the Bible that God is always with His children. Though God is always with me whether I am by myself or with other people, I have felt as though I was alone.  Yet once you receive Jesus, He will never leave you alone.  The Holy Spirit is in the heart of those who believe in Jesus, even if His presence is not detected.  The Spirit will comfort you when you enter into prayer with God, and God will intervene when you turn anything over to Him.  Believing in God takes faith, and by His grace, He wants you to gain more.  Having faith in Jesus Christ enables us to receive God’s love, to love Him, and to love the people He puts in our lives.

  Good dreams can come true for you no matter what has gone on in your family.  When you walk with Jesus, dreams are between you and God, in the hands of the Savior who wants to guide you to goodness.  Past or current circumstances are not barriers for future goodness for the person who obeys Jesus.  God wants good things in your life.  No matter how bad your family circumstances are, you can have joy if you abide in Christ.

   For us folks who have a tendency to do our own thing, being changed, which includes learning to do what is good while refraining from wrongdoing, is hard.  Yet trusting Jesus and relying on Him leads only to great things.  Going God’s way does not mean your life will be free of problems.  Everyone encounters some problems, and if you follow Jesus, you will have problems that you may have never anticipated.  I have had challenges and hardships as a Christian I never had before.  But in following Jesus, there can be joy in the midst of experiencing those hardships.  And in following Jesus, the hardships that you are spared are countless, I am convinced.  In John 16:33, Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”

   When I lived in Virginia, I often took a subway to work.  On the way home from work one evening, I was trying to read yet I could not help but hear the conversation of two brothers who sat in the seat behind me and who were speaking loudly.  One brother had moved away from the state he was raised in, and was working in Washington D.C.  The other brother, who was much younger, had traveled from their parent’s home to visit his older brother.  They were talking about different things and then the younger brother asked, “Don’t you get lost sometimes trying to find your way around this big city.”  The other brother responded, “Yes I do.  But I'll never forget how to find my way back to Texas.”

   Without God in this world, your soul is away from the family you were created to be in, and indeed is lost.  With God, you are with the Person who has an eternal home for you with Him.  The family of God is available for anyone, yet we are unable to work our way into this family, since this eternal family is a destiny to be with a Person whom we could never reach by our own effort.  To be united with God, we need to receive the love of Jesus, the One who enables a person to be adopted.

   Recorded in Mark 10:1-12, Jesus had a discussion about divorce with some Pharisees, and then His disciples.  I note that the context of Mark 10:10-12 concerns divorce where there is no marital unfaithfulness, which is an allowable condition for divorce (Matthew 5:32), and that definition includes abuse as I stated earlier.  The context for Mark 10:10-12 is set by Mark 10:3-5, which brings to issue the Mosaic Law where there could be divorce simply due to indecency, as is stated in Deuteronomy 24:1.  Jesus furthered this law.

   Immediately following that passage, there is a passage where Jesus interacts with children.  The sequence of the passages is appropriate and purposeful as God knows that children get hurt by divorce.  Read what Jesus does in Mark 10:16 with the children; “And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.”  No matter what the marital state of your parents, no matter who raised or is raising you, and no matter what your age, you need to enter the open arms of Jesus.  You need to still yourself before the Messiah and let Jesus touch you with His love.  Then you will know the blessing of God.

Hunter Irvine gave his heart to Jesus in 1990.

Hunter graduated from Virginia Tech,

and he graduated summa cum laude from

Colorado Christian University

with a second B.A. in Youth Ministry.

Works Cited:

McDowell, Josh. More Than A Carpenter.

   Wheaton: Living Books, 1977.

Stott, John. Evangelical Truth; A Personal Plea

   for Unity, Integrity and Faithfulness.

   Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 1999.

Torrey, R.A. Difficulties in the Bible.

   1907. Reprint, Springdale, Pennsylvania:

   Whitaker House, 1996.

My Parents Are Divorced - Chapter 6 - Honor

Chapter Six:   HONOR

   Having seen many rock concerts in the distant past by many “legends” of rock and roll, in the late 1990’s I shifted to seeing primarily Christian concerts.  Back in March of 2000, I attended a great rock concert along with over three thousand other folks in Highlands Ranch, Colorado.  After two opening groups, out on stage came the “Newsboys.”  It was a fantastic concert!  One of the best I have ever attended!  Before they performed, a man from Australia came on stage to speak to the crowd.  His Australian accent was so pronounced I had some difficulty understanding him, even though I am familiar with that accent since I had a friend in the fifth and sixth grades from Australia.  The man had only been speaking for a minute when he posed a question to the audience.

   The question the man from Australia asked was, ‘Is there anyone here who does not have a father?’  The entire audience was silent.  The man repeated the question, and then a young lady who was near the center of the stage less than twenty rows back raised her hand.  The Australian man said that God cares for and looks after the fatherless.  He told the young lady that God has good things for her.  Then he had the crowd pass her a free t-shirt.

   The teenager took the t-shirt, and then she turned and embraced her friend who was right next to her.  She cried softly in the embrace of her friend for several minutes.  She also received pats on the shoulder from two other friends during that time. Watching her express feelings in the arm of a friend, I was touched.  That young lady at a concert packed with people was singled out as a person who matters to God.  In the embrace with her friend, many eyes were on a person with plenty of needs, dreams, and hurts in her heart.

   You may also have needs, dreams, and hurts.  You also matter to God.  There are times when you may feel like you are an individual in a big crowd whom no one really knows intimately.  Sometimes you may feel like no one cares about you.  Personally I use to carry around much in my heart that I wanted to express, but often there did not seem to be anyone who could relate, or even anyone who really wanted to listen in the first place.  How about you?  Yet God does care, and God is open to listening about what is on your heart, to the extent of every last detail.  And God has much to tell us also, if we will listen.

   But does God really understand what we are going through?  We are people who make mistakes in a messed up place, and God is God.  How can God relate?  The truth is that God showed He understands because Jesus came for us.  Jesus did not live on earth to serve Himself.  Jesus was on earth to do the will of the Father, which was to help others. For the sake of others, Jesus preached the truth and healed people.  Though doing only what was good, Jesus was hated by some.  Taking the burdens of people in His own heart and being subject to hate caused Jesus much suffering.  That suffering went to the ultimate extent of physical and spiritual death as Jesus took upon Himself the sins of people on the cross.  We cannot fully comprehend the suffering that Jesus endured, dying to offer salvation to any person who would or will receive Him.

   As to whether Jesus can relate to family problems, contemplate who Jesus was as He was raised in a family in Israel.  Scripture states that Jesus was and is without sin (I Peter 1:19).  His nature on earth was that of being fully God, yet He relinquished many of His supernatural abilities as Jesus was also fully human.  Remaining perfectly righteous as a human being, Jesus was not raised in a perfect family.  In fact, had Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus, not been open to God's intervention, Jesus would have been born to a single divorced mother, which is explained in Matthew 1:18-19.

   “This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit.  Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.”

   So Mary and Joseph were pledged to be married, and back then an engagement meant the commitment was already sealed.  Then Mary became pregnant even though she had not had sex with anyone, because she had become pregnant supernaturally by the Holy Spirit.  Joseph is said to have been righteous, yet the context of the word in this passage does not mean perfect, rather a person seeking to do right and known as righteous among peers.  Learning of the pregnancy, Joseph assumed Mary had sex with some other man.  Leviticus 20:10 states that if an Israelite man committed adultery with an Israelite wife, both were due the punishment of death.  Note that the word neighbor in this verse included all Israelites as the context of Leviticus 19:18 shows.

   Apparently those rulers were not following the prescribed punishments of every Mosaic Law, and the Jewish ruling council at that time may have been coming up with their own legislation.  Mary was not in danger of getting a death penalty, but Joseph’s concern was that Mary would be disgraced by the religious rulers. Mary probably would have been publicly disgraced, and Joseph wanted mercy for her.  Joseph decided in haste to take a serious measure, which was to get a divorce.

   The reason Joseph did not seek a divorce is that an angel of the Lord told him in a dream what had really happened.  Joseph did the will of God by remaining engaged to Mary, and by naming the child “Jesus” as the angel said to do.  In Matthew 1:14, Joseph obeyed an angel of the Lord again, leaving their homeland to flee to Egypt with Mary so that the baby Jesus would not be killed by the wicked King Herod.  And before all of that happened, there was the obedience of Mary, a young woman who did the will of God, as her response to an angel from God shows: “‘I am the Lord’s servant,’ Mary answered.  ‘May it be to me as you have said’”(Luke 1:38).  And in Luke 2:21-24, the married couple followed the Law by taking Jesus to Jerusalem to present the boy at the temple and to offer sacrifice.  The loving devotion to God by Joseph and Mary are shown by these actions.

   Shown the obedience of Joseph and Mary to God, we also are shown those two individuals were not perfect.  That is why Joseph was so quick in his decision to divorce his wife, apparently without even talking with her.  And Mary showed her need for salvation, stating in Luke 1:46-47; ‘My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior…’  Those two individuals, like you and me, made some mistakes, and they also needed forgiveness.

   Jesus loved His earthly parents.  Even in His adulthood, Jesus chose John, the disciple to whom He was the closest with while a human on earth, to take care of His earthly mom after He was crucified.  And there also was honor.  Though Joseph and Mary were not perfect, Jesus was obedient to them in His youth (Luke 2:51).  Because Jesus fulfilled the Law, a child of God has the Holy Spirit in the heart to enable him or her to honor a parent as a unique human being, a command affirmed by Jesus in Matthew 19:19.  God wants honor ascribed to a person’s parents because, first, a fundamental honor for all human beings for who they are as people, created in the image of God, is good.  Secondly, a fundamental honor for parents for their unique relation to their children is good.

   Respect involved in properly honoring parents is what I will term a “corridor of respect.” Such honor is not respect that is based on wrong behavior, so there need not be respect for wrongdoings of a parent!  A “corridor of respect” starts with an acknowledgment that a parent is a parent.  After my college graduation ceremony, I began talking to a woman who was a friend of mine.  Though my parents were near me, I gave them no attention, and I do not even think I introduced them to my friend.  I simply was caught up in talking with my friend.  Now I never have tried to disown my parents, but maybe such bad things have taken place in a parental relationship that you want to disown a parent.  Yet God wants you to stick to the facts, even when those facts are hurtful and complicated.  Acknowledge your parent for who they are, and honor them in the Lord.

   This chapter was challenging for me to write.  There was one day when I got a rare stomach ache, and I think it was because I was getting distraught writing about honoring my parents.  I felt like if my one parent did some stuff that was wrong, how could I continue to honor that parent?  Again, honoring a parent is not being convicted your parent is a moral person or a good person or even a loving person.  Honoring a parent is respecting a parent that they gave you birth and helped to raise you.  It is as basic as that.

   Let's face it, in a divorced family, things are not right.  But that does not mean things need to keep sliding in a worse direction for you.  One common action by the son or daughter of divorced parents is to take out frustrations on parents for being divorced.  When a person ties in hurt from the divorce with day to day issues, daily interaction with a parent becomes increasingly turbulent.  If there is an appropriate opportunity to express a frustration with a parent regarding the divorce, do some talking.  But in the course of general interaction with a parent, do not put your relationship with your parent on a burner of frustrations.

   The beginning of the ‘Lord's Prayer’ was discussed in chapter two.  That prayer is a good prayer model, but praying does not involve saying the same words all of the time.  Prayer is talking to God.  I talk to God about all kinds of stuff.  In different places, at different times, God gets conversation from me.  God is the greatest friend I have, so it makes sense that I want to talk with Him often.  I encourage you to talk with God frequently.  Refrain from letting an issue swirl in your heart.  Talk about what is on your heart and mind.

   In a divorced family situation, the desires of the two parents may be in blatant contradiction with one another.  If each of your parents wants you to do something different, who do you listen too?  Try to figure out what is best that will appease both, and then set boundaries.  For an example, here was a conflict that happened for me.  When I lived with my mom, she got upset when my dad would call the house wanting to talk with me.  Quite the dilemma having one parent who wants to talk with you on the phone, and the other parent who does not want you on the phone with your other parent.  This led to me discouraging my dad from calling me at home.  But where else was he going to call me?  A good boundary would have been to have my dad call on a specific night every week.  My mom may have gotten use to that, and then my dad could have kept the calling within that time frame.  Problems are inevitable if your parents are divorced.  If you are willing to do ask God for help time after time, and if you are willing to do extra work to try and make things better, there is a potential for things to improve.

   By now you may be wondering whether God really wants parents to be honored.  This was one of the ‘Ten Commandments,’ which was part of the Mosaic Law.  The Mosaic Law was given from God through Moses within the covenant offered by God to the people of Israel (Exodus 24:7).  God stated how obedience to the Mosaic Law would result in long life and prosperity for Israelites.  During the continued history of Israel, there was never complete obedience to the Law.  That covenant need no longer be in effect, since the Messiah, Jesus, furthered the Law and fulfilled the Law, and now has His furthered moral Law applying to all people, not just Israelites.  Jeremiah gave a prophecy that would happen.

   Though people no longer need to abide by the Mosaic Law’s sacrificial commands, cleanliness laws, or civil laws, the Law furthered by Jesus includes the moral commands which we are to adhere to.  Know that if you consider the Law furthered by Jesus, you will realize that only a person enabled by the Spirit of Jesus can be obedient.  And that is indeed the call of children of God, to abide in Christ.  Because of the teaching recorded in Matthew 15:3-6, there seems to be an affirmation of morality in honoring parents.

   Now honoring your parents does not mean that you do whatever they say.  Following God’s ways brings goodness, and it is within the premise of His guidance that you should follow His command to honor your parents.  So do not engage in wrongdoing, even if a parent or parents tell you to do something wrong.  Honoring others never should involve you doing anything which is wrong.

   What if you are being abused?  If you are being abused, the loving act is to remove yourself from the abusive situation.  Allow me to support this with a Biblical explanation.  In Matthew 5:39, Jesus states that an evil person should not be resisted, and that you should turn the other check when struck.  So reading this verse, you might consider that a parent should not be resisted if they inflict physical abuse, such as beatings or sexual acts, especially if your parent loves you.  But that is not the case!  It is imperative that the words of Jesus be taken in context.  The context of the verse is the command to not take the Law into your own hands.

   The context is taken from the proceeding statement by Jesus, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, tooth for tooth,’” which is from Exodus 21:24.  Under the covenant between God and the Israelites, certain Israelites were to judge for the adherence to the Mosaic Law, and sometimes people of the community were to carry out the punishment.  This is no longer the case!  Since even Israelites given the high responsibility of judging failed to properly judge according to God’s Law, Jesus removed people from their role of judging according to the Law (Matthew 7:1-2).  And in the passage of Matthew 5:38-39, Jesus likewise ended the responsibility of people carrying out prescribed punishments.  This fact of the shifted responsibility of judging and punishing is powerfully illustrated in John 8:1-11.

   Judgment and punishment for sins became the sole responsibility of God.  Sin always has bad spiritual and physical consequences, so God does not want us to sin.  God will carry out permanent justice, condemning those who are not redeemed by Jesus.  God is just.  Thus the context of not resisting an evil person is to refrain from personally judging and punishing, and to accept that such responsibility belongs to God.  We are to forgive and care for all people instead.  Yet caring for is not synonymous with taking abuse.

   God has sanctioned certain authority which includes judging and punishing, but not directly for sins.  Parents have certain authority over children in their youth.  And government institutions have certain authority to implement laws they have determined to be proper, judge, and carry out punishment for those citizens who “break” their laws.  But they are not directly judging for sins.  I add that governmental laws that are counter to the teachings of Jesus, the Messiah, should not be followed, since they are not in good conscience, a key word in Romans 13:5!  For example, that is why a Christian can give out Bibles in a country were doing so is illegal, because Jesus gave the command to teach people what He commanded, which is recorded in the Bible.

   God is the only One to judge for sins, and He will.  The context of Christ’s command in Matthew 5:39 indicates that a human is to forgo revenge and allow God to carry out justice.  No human is supposed to take personal revenge!  Not common is the world, is it?  That is why the commands of Jesus, when carefully interpreted, are not ridiculous, yet they are radical.  So forgo revenge, yet get out of the line of abuse!

   Regarding specific ways of reacting to people who treat us wrongly, God’s guidance is needed in each individual case.  What is ridiculous for a child of God is doing what God knows is bad.  God wants you to take care of yourself in a reasonable manner.  Not to do so is bad.  God does not want a person living in a line of abuse, because that is the opposite of taking care of yourself.  Also God wants good for a person committing abuse, and the first step is for them to stop doing what is wrong.  Therefore, if you are a person who is currently being abused, you need God’s guidance of the appropriate manner to get help.

   No solution may seem possible, but asking God to guide you and enable you to talk to someone you trust is a step that is always available.  Maybe you even need to talk with someone you trust if you are simply confused about things.  And if you were abused in the past, now is the time to start talking to God about that.  So the summary on this topic of abuse is that Jesus does not want abuse taking place.  His guidance is needed.

   So what is the summary of this difficult topic of honoring parents?  Like all people, all parents sin.  For some parents, their behavior is horrible.  Yet God wants what is best for you and your parents, because He loves everyone, and God sanctioned parenthood.  Depending on God to honor actually brings blessings to you.  Such dependence on Him means that you can honor your parents for who they are, aside from what they have done or are doing.

   I do not want to give an unrealistic message!  There may still be major struggles in a relationship with a parent or parents, or there may still be little or no contact with a parent or parents.  Or a parent or parents may consistently do wrongs, and you will not respect their actions.  And though depending on God, you may not always recognize improvement in relationships.  The dynamics of your physical family could get worse, yet that family mess will not be your responsibility or your future!

   Jesus gave an analogy in Luke 12:52-53 showing that His mission on earth was not to force the unification of earthly family members.  Love cannot be forced.  The mission of Jesus was to provide the way for people to be united with God.  Jesus said that division would take place in families specifically because of Him, as some family members would turn to Him, while others would turn away from Him.  So a person who follows Jesus is going to know a unique strife in this world, which may include challenges and disappointments with family relationships aside from divorce.  In this world, a child of God must accept some suffering for God, but know that suffering for God serves a good purpose.  And within the suffering, a person who follows Jesus has true love in the present, and great things in the future, which leads to the last chapter.

My Parents Are Divorced - Chapter 5 - Love

Chapter Five:   LOVE

   Have you ever been really thirsty?  I once was hiking on the Appalachian Trail on an extremely hot day in North Carolina, and I was thirsty.  When I arrived at a place where there was supposed to be a creek according to my map, there was none.  I kept hiking, having no water.  My map indicated there was another stream a few miles up the trail.  I considered if that stream was dry then I would be in serious trouble.  I hiked with hope.  I reached that stream, and it was flowing fine.  I swiftly filled up my water bottle, and then I put an iodine tablet in it to purify the water.  After waiting an agonizing fifteen minutes for the tablet to dissolve, I chugged that quart of water straight down.  I needed that water.  For spiritual life, you need true love.  If you were dropped in the middle of a wilderness, your first goal would be to journey until you found water.  On our journey in this world, the Person with true love has come to us.

   All people were and are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), thus people need love for eternal life.  God is the ultimate and primary source of true love.  Scripture states, as recorded in I John 4:8, “…God is love.”  This is not only stated in the Bible, yet also shown in the Bible by the death of Jesus on the cross which was done because He loves people.  Now some search for true love in this world from people.  People can give love, but they themselves need to receive it before they can give it, and no person besides Jesus has loved his or her fellow human beings perfectly in this world.  I claim that all people need love, and the Bible reveals that God is offering love to everyone.

   Once I was driving down Wadsworth Boulevard in Arvada, Colorado, near 60th street.  Sitting at a stoplight, I read the bumper sticker on the car in front of me: “Jesus loves you whether you like it or not.”  Not a caring Christian bumper sticker.  Yes Jesus does love everyone, but a person has a choice of whether to receive His love, and I do not think a cynical bumper sticker is helping promote the love of Jesus.  Yet it got me thinking, why is it that if Jesus loves everyone, that some reject His love?

   Obviously we would probably get different answers from different people who do not believe in Jesus. Yet a key deduction I made after thinking about my question is that some people do not want to change.  Receiving love will change a person!  If anyone receives Jesus, they will be changed, a consequence of their choice.  Now the change in the heart of people who receive the love of Christ is good!  Jesus brings good change to a soul!

   Now love cannot be forced on someone.  In fact, trying to force love on someone of-ten causes them to draw back.  When people have tried to pressure me to receive anything, I have often drawn back, thinking that if what they had is so great then they would not need to pressure me to take it.  But that is not what God does.  God’s love is simply offered before you.  His love is like a cup of water extended before you.  You must accept the full cup, lift it before your lips, open up your mouth, and drink.

   A commitment is necessary.  Think of the statement, “I love you.”  There are two individuals, one bonded to the other by love.  But if there is not a commitment from both, there is no relationship of love.  The bond must go both ways.  For a person who commits to God, she or he joins in with God's complete commitment to a permanent loving relationship.  Receiving God's love changes a person and ever increases his or her commitment.  The more God changes us, the more we can be in Love.

   So what is the realm of living in Love?  Jesus, getting to the core of the Mosaic Law when teaching Israelites, taught we are to love God with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind, and that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, as is recorded in Matthew 22:37-39.  Is this impossible?  This is possible if you have the love of God!  Having the love of Jesus, we are capable of loving God and people.  If you love someone, you want the best for him or her.  Also, you care about that person, and you are willing to share with that person.

   Loving God involves worshiping Him, because He is Love among all of His other attributes.  Giving Him our best is glorifying Him, the One who is Holy.  Interaction with Him is constantly possible.  And worship includes praising and thanking God, listening to and learning from Him, sharing concerns and hopes, and feeding from Him in the heart.  Serving God is a way of loving God.  Whenever a person does God’s will, that person is loving God, because God’s will is always good.  Jesus makes this extremely clear in John 14:21.  Doing the will of God is living by His true love.  This is easy for me to write, yet loving God is not some-thing I have ever done perfectly.  We human beings have problems, and to be enabled to love God is a growing process of learning to rely on Him.  I do love Jesus, and living by His love, there have been oodles of blessings, even blessings I have not even realize in these past years.

   What about loving people?  I propose the reason there is so much pain, tragedy, and despair in this world is because of people failing to love other people.  I am simply going to touch on three things about loving people.  First, in the midst of so much tragedy in the world, the love of Jesus is radical, because He is not only saying you should love your family, or people in your neighborhood, or people in your country.  Jesus states you should love all human beings.  Jesus went so far as to teach that you must love your enemies, as recorded in Matthew 5:44.  Yes I am serious.

   Back to what I said earlier in this chapter, we must rely on the love of God to be enabled to do this.  And loving enemies often involves is doing what I said in the previous chapter; we must forgive.  A huge problem in Christian “church” history is that certain Christians, or people who claimed to be followers of Jesus, have hated their enemies.  There has even been hate by Christians against Christians with different beliefs.  Now I am not saying that we Christians, in loving people, are supposed to succumb to the false views of other people.  Quite the opposite.  I love people, thus I want them to know the truth about Jesus.  I love people, so I want to correct them concerning their false and thus harmful beliefs.  I was reminded in a sermon yesterday that Paul even rebuked people in some churches for having wrong beliefs or doing wrong stuff.  Never approve of anything a person is doing that is wrong, because doing so is not loving the person.

   If a child is about to run in a street to get a soccer ball, I yell for the kid to stop so that she will not be hit by a car, because I care about that child.  It is actually an act of love to warn someone when they are doing something sinful so they will not get hurt.  Yet hating a person is always wrong.  Do remember that we are to always tell the truth in love.  Love does require caring for the best for all people.  Think of someone you really dislike. Would you hug that person if you had an opportunity to this day?  That is the radical love of Jesus Christ.

   Secondly, loving other people is not necessarily dramatic to your peers.  It can be dramatic.  Jesus died for people giving love that human beings would not even have been capable of giving.  And there have been people who have died because of their devotion to Jesus.  Yet loving God and loving people should be done every single day here on earth even if it does not seem so sacrificial.  The extent of the sacrifice is not the issue; the issue is acting in love.  Some of your peers may not think much of your loving ways.  Yet God knows, and you will know, when you are truly loving people!  I remember listening to a janitor in an elementary school saying how he knew when he cleaned up milk which had been spilled by elementary students that he was carrying out an act of love to Jesus.  And I know it was also an act of love to the students.

   I will give you an example of everyday love from my dad.  When I was in college, after a holiday break, my dad drove me back to my university.  I had stayed up late the night before working on a paper.  Soon after we started out on the drive, I fell asleep.  When I woke up, we were already approaching the campus.  My dad had driven for four and a half hours without getting any company from me, and then he had to drive all the way back alone.  Yet he was simply glad that he could get me to where I needed to be.  That is what I call an act of love.

   Thirdly, in a chapter entitled “Love,” I am not going to leave out the subject of romantic love.  I am single, and I have long wanted to be married.  My unusual ministry calling has resulted in singleness for a longer period than I ever would have imagined years ago, yet I still hope to be married one day.  Often weeks and weeks before Valentine’s Day, I look at the Valentine’s gifts in a store, considering what I would buy if I had a girlfriend.  I have probably done more Valentine’s Day window shopping than people who have purchased Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives for years.  That is a bit disheartening for me.  In spite of lack of romance, I am still convinced God cares about romantic relationships.

   One blessing for me still being single is that God has been making me a better person; a person more able to love.  When I get married, I will be a better husband than if I would have been married ten years ago, because I will be more prepared.  If you are single, allow God to prepare you to be a great husband or wife, and when the time comes, you will be ready for blessings galore.  And if you are married now, know that your marriage can keep improving as you, and hopefully your spouse, rely on God.  Being someone who was hurt by my parent’s divorce, one thing I did not realize is that when you get married, there is the possibility to continue to improve as individuals and to grow in goodness as a couple.  No married couples are perfect.  What married couples are in for is much work, since a relationship requires work.  Yet what fruit can result from devoting yourself to improving your marriage relationship.  You will be a better spouse as you grow in your dependence on Jesus.

   Even in the years since I first started this book, the culture has been rapidly shifting to a preoccupation with you know what.  On television, the Internet, and in music, that three letter word is a consistent obsession.  I once heard someone say sex is the greatest expression of love.  Scripture states in John 15:13 that laying down your life is the greatest gift of love.  And that is precisely what Jesus did for us sinful people.  In my years of following Jesus, one truth I have come to realize more and more is that we sinful people have a tendency to go after things of the world to try and fill the need of love.  They end up being no substitute.  Sex is one of the big pursuits in our culture now that birth control and pornography are readily available.  The culture in America at this time is that sex outside of marriage can bring happiness.  Yet sex is not the same thing as love.  That is the reason a person can have much sex and yet be getting worse in their heart.  God clearly teaches in Scripture that sex is to be an expression of love in marriage.  The ignorance of His way is not resulting in people being more happy.  The ignorance of His way is resulting in much hurt.

   Do you want to have great sex?  Then go for such God’s way.  He created sex to be an act of love within the commitment of marriage.  God wants making love as a part of the love and romance in marriage.  True love begins and is maintained by relying on God, and great romance begins and is maintained with living in the love of God.  The end result can be great.

   The summary is that children of God, who are followers of Jesus, are called by God to love Him and to love people.  Loving Jesus always means remaining in His will, which is perfectly good.   In loving people, the interaction will vary in each relationship.  Maybe loving someone at the grocery store this week will involve simply smiling at the person behind a counter and saying "God bless you," in a sincerity of the heart.

   I have said much about love, yet nothing about parents.  To be completely open, I sometimes even find loving my parents hard.  There have been hurts in the past, especially surrounding the divorce, and my parents have done things since the divorce I thought were wrong.  Yet thanks to God’s love, I love Dad, and I love Mom.  Especially with one of my parents, there have been numerous struggles in our relationship.  There have been times when I know that Jesus was "carrying me."  Yet if you rely on God's love, you can love your parents, even if you do not have much interaction with one or both!

   Just as I said above that loving people does not mean approving of their actions, loving parents does not mean you approve of their wrong actions.  Any wrongdoing by a parent or parents is definitely wrong.  And a parent does not have to realize his or her actions are inflicting hurt in order for it to be wrong.   God loves your parents.  God hates wrongdoing.  And you are not responsible for the sins of your parent or parents.  Whatever a parent has done, responsibility is not in the hands of a child.  Do know that your parents are responsible before God like everyone else.  They will be accountable to Him for their own actions.

   Do know divorce is not a sin if carried out for reasons permitted by Christ, since Christ did give grounds for divorce.  The ground for divorce stated by Jesus Christ is unfaithfulness.  Unfaithfulness is a wrongdoing fostered in the heart which leads to wrong actions. What is going on in people’s hearts cannot always be clearly known by people and is not for a human to judge.  The prime instance of unfaithfulness is when a spouse has sex with someone other than their spouse.  However, a number of students of the Bible think the word unfaithfulness encompasses even more than that, and I agree.  Abuse is another example of unfaithfulness.

   So not a sin itself, divorce is a consequence of sin.  Since it is a consequence of sin, God hates divorce as is stated in Malachi 2:16.  A married person takes a vow to love his or her spouse.  To the contrary, wrong actions hurt a spouse.  Since God loves people and wants what is best for them, He hates wrongful actions and the consequences of such wrong, which are always bad.  So this sound complicated, but the bottom line is that God does not want parents doing wrong because He loves them!

   Be relieved you can love your parents and still acknowledge that wrongdoings took place.  Often the majority of the wrongdoings that led to divorce are the result of decisions by only one parent, yet whatever the details of your parent’s divorce, which you may not even know, you can still acknowledge the hurt resulting from the act of divorce. Everyone in a family gets hurt by a divorce.  You can disdain the act of divorce.  And you can stay out of the problems of your parents as much as possible.  Loving your parents is what is taking place in your heart, not what is taking place in their life.  Know that God loves your parents, and rely on Him to love your parents.  Loving parents need not stifle your present or future.

   Loving a parent always involves hoping he or she will receive the love of Jesus as their Savior and Lord if they are not followers of Jesus.  The method is going to be unique for every person, though do not use that bumper sticker I quoted at the beginning of this chapter.  Yet love your parents by witnessing to them the love of Jesus in a way that fits your gifts.  And if you have zero contact with a parent, say a prayer for that parent every once in a while.

   Speaking of witnessing about Jesus, in Matthew 12:46-50, Jesus was talking to people in a house, and someone told Him that His mother and brothers were outside and that they wanted to talk with Him.  Rather than rushing out to talk with them, Jesus made the point of who His eternal family is.  His eternal family is the people who turn to the Father in heaven. Though family trees are temporary like every other physical thing in this world, God is concerned with our physical families.  But becoming bogged down in the problems of parents does not help anyone.  We are called to love all people, and that includes members of families, of whom each has a soul.  Loving family members who have hurt you, even if you never get to talk with him or her, is a miracle of God's love.

My Parents Are Divorced - Chapter 4 - Healing

Chapter Four:   HEALING

   All people have been hurt in this world.  There are people who have experienced hurts I cannot relate to, and for those of us who have divorced parents, we have experienced hurts other people may not be able to relate to.  Hurts should not be compared to one another.  Being hurt by the wrongdoing of a family member has a terrible effect.  If you have been hurt, how can you get healing?  I will answer that question directly in this chapter.  To preface that answer, I look at some common responses people have when hurt after the divorce of their parents.

   Four general common ways that people tend to deal with being hurt is by withdrawing, feeling guilty, getting angry, or by becoming sad.   To give an example of the first, I briefly go back to the orchestra concert.  However much I hurt Angel by giving her a scowl and then walking on by, I do not know.  I can say that I really hurt myself by my own doings.  And my reaction was to withdraw.

   The opportunity was available for me to communicate with Angel, and tell her that I was sorry.  Talking to Angel’s friend who had a locker by me would have been a good idea.  I could have told her why I was upset that night and could have said I was sorry.  Now Angel’s friend was spending little time at her locker when I was at my locker, and she was not even looking my way when at her locker.  But she probably would have conveyed what I said to Angel.  Or writing a letter to Angel would have been a good mode for saying that I was sorry.  But I did neither.  Instead, as Angel's friend avoided me, I started avoiding her.  I refused to think about the whole incident.

   What I did was so hurtful, I tried to “withdraw” from it.  My example here is different than a situation where a person's parents have been divorced, since I hurt myself.  But the point is that when someone hurts you, or if you hurt yourself, you must face that fact in or-der to get healing.

   During my parent’s separation, my one sister wrote a story.  She was enthusiastic about her story, and she knew I enjoyed writing, so she wanted me to read her piece.  I declined to read it, and I think she was disappointed and discouraged that I abstained from the reading.  The reason I did not read her story was that from her brief description, I knew the story expressed the hurt she was feeling about our parent's separation.  And since I was dealing with my own pain, I could not handle more pain from someone I cared for.  In a family struck with separation and divorce, hurts are all around, so the subject is often avoided.

   A second way people react after being hurt is by feeling guilty, believing they somehow promoted the hurtful action.  When it comes to divorce, there is an all encompassing statement to this response.  If your parents are divorced, you are not at fault, since a marriage vow is between a husband and a wife only.  Two people; they are the only ones in a marriage covenant, though Christians hopefully make their vows before God asking Him to enable them to keep the vow.  Thus it is only one of those two who can break the vow.  Months before I started this book, I was talking to a supervisor at a temp job I was working at a cool place in Denver, just north of the city.  He said that when his parents got divorced, he felt he was to blame.   He went for a long time with guilt.  I told him he was not one of the people who made a vow, thus he was not responsible for his parent’s divorce.  Likewise, you are not responsible for the divorce of your parents.  Realize that, and have no guilt.

   A third way people deal with being hurt is by getting angry.  We have all been angry at some time, so we all know what that is like.  Anger which is harbored can become entrenched anger that is harmful.  Ephesians 4:31 mentions the state of bitterness, which is related to anger.  Bitterness that takes root in a person is going to cause recurring problems.  Angry or bitter people may be identifiable, yet since people express anger in different ways, anger or bitterness may be hard to detect.

   Anger was my response to the separation of my parents.  I did not act differently with friends, co-workers, or people on the whole.  Yet anger was there, and it did not go away with time.  Anger brings even more hurt to yourself, because when you express it, you hurt relationships with the people you are funneling your anger at.  I got angry on occasion with people I loved, and it hurt our relationships.  When I first turned to Jesus, I felt anger had been taken away from me.  That was simply the beginning of a long process of Jesus working in me to teach me to make the choice not to lose my temper at people, and enabling me to do the radical action that I am going to take about in this chapter in a bit.  I had an anger problem, and it has been a long haul toward complete healing.  I am grateful for healing.

   The Bible does not say to never get angry.  We are instructed to be slow to get angry (James 1:19).  Yet the instruction from Ephesians 4:31 says to get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger.  The message indicates that a person is not to remain in a state of anger.  But a person badly hurt by his or her parents might say that a dreadful wrong was committed, and if restitution has not been offered, then she or he has a right to remain angry with the parent or parents.  There are some problems with this deduction, not so much because of the actions of our parents, but more so us.  Anger itself is not bad, if it is righteous.  But when you express anger in an improper way, you are actually furthering a chain reaction.  Anger, if not righteous, causes hurt.

   An example of righteous anger is clear in the Bible.  There is a recorded time when Jesus got angry.  That is when some people were selling doves, sheep, and cattle, and ex-changing money in the temple of God before the Passover feast.  Jesus went so far as to flip over tables of the money exchangers.  Then Jesus gave a specific rebuke to the people who were selling doves.  Jesus said, “Get these out of here!  How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!” (John 2:16).

   Doves were used in accordance with the Law as means for offering a sin sacrifice.  God was providing the means for the sacrifice under the Law given to the Israelites by providing doves for people.  Yet merchants were turning the dove selling into a profit right there in the place where the sacrifice was to be offered, perverting the meaning of the sacrifice.  Leviticus 5:7 explains how a person who was unable to afford a lamb could give two doves or pigeons to a priest to be sacrificed to God as payment for specific sins committed by the person.  There had to be a sacrifice for those sins, and God desired that a sacrifice provision be available to everyone, regardless of his or her financial state.

   Jesus was angry because people were doing wrong in His Father’s house.  His anger was righteous.  In Scripture, Jesus Christ is called the Righteous One, since He, God the Son, was the only person in this world who was completely righteous.  The Bible states in Romans 3:23, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  So whereas Jesus is righteous, we people are not completely righteous.  However, Scripture explains that by believing in Jesus, a person is made righteous by Him.  Yet this is a process done by God, assured to be completed for the person who has believed in Jesus as her or his Savior and Lord.  Complete righteousness is known for that person when she or he is with Jesus in full in heaven.

   When angry, there are two points that you need to nestle.  First, remember that God loves people more than we can imagine, thus He desires mercy.  We have been offered God’s mercy, and we should want that same mercy for other people.  Second, remember that God is just, and He carries out justice.  All sins will be accounted for.  A key to dealing with anger is to “put” the wrong doings of others into God’s hands.  He is merciful; He is just.  People are accountable to Him for sins, and I need to release control of that.

   A fourth common reaction to hurt from the divorce of parents can be healthy, and that is by getting sad.  This can be healthy since if you are sad, acknowledgment and expression of sadness can lead to dealing with rather than suppressing grief.  When I was young, I learned that two of my relatives were going to get a divorce.  That night before I went to bed, I cried.  Getting sad when you are hurt is natural.  Yet a constant state of sadness is not what God wants.  As the separation of parents continues, there is that danger.

   Grieving for the divorce of my parents was strange.  During the first few years that my parents were separated, in my view there was a possibility that they might get back together, though there finally came a point where I thought that possibility had diminished.  After certain actions in the course of my parent’s separation, rather than feeling sad, I felt sort of numb inside.  If your parent’s divorce likewise was a muddled situation, ask yourself if you did indeed mourn the breakup of your family.

   So face wrongdoings and properly express sadness, but do not dwell in sadness.  Grieving, and turning to God during your state of grief, is a necessary action.  Going through a mourning process is necessary so that you can face hurts with God.  When the situation which brought sadness is faced with God, then a person can be led out of the mourning process.  God does not want us to remain sad, God wants us to be joyful.  Joy comes from Him, and is received by the person who has realistically confronted wrongdoings and hurts, and who has turned to Him for healing.

   I said earlier that God’s revelation work includes the Person of the Holy Spirit.  Revelations are given not only so we can have and believe them, but so we may also live accordingly.  I mentioned that being separated from God, there is much we do not see.  Some people who lived two thousand years ago were able to see Jesus.  But He was only physically on earth for about thirty-three years.  And some people who physically saw Jesus did not see His glory as He acted according to His heart.  Of the many wonderful things we are not capable of seeing, the Person of the Holy Spirit is included.  We may not see the Holy Spirit, but we can see the results of what He does.

   The Holy Spirit lives in the heart of a person who has opened up her or his heart to Jesus (I Corinthians 3:16).  And I have been using the word heart, but I am not talking about that organ in our chest that pumps blood.  The term heart is also a spiritual term, again something that is definitely a part of us, a part of a soul, yet cannot be seen by humans.  And for a child of God, someone who has received Christ, the Holy Spirit dwells there.

   The Holy Spirit is the third Person of the Trinity.  God the Spirit fits right in with what has been discussed regarding the family of God and eternal life in Christ.  In our current physical state, we live in the family by the Spirit.  “And by [the Spirit] we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.” (Romans 8:15-16).  And in our physical bodies that will one day see death, the Spirit testifies to our eternal life in Christ (Romans 8:10 and I Corinthians 2:12).

   The Holy Spirit is not a Person whom a child of God simply needs to only chill out with when in church, or a Person to solely get all emotional with.  Suppose after a rough day at school or work, a person heads off to a place where he or she thinks the Spirit may be.  With good music, he or she prays to have the Spirit come be with him or her so that His loving presence will be felt.  But then the person says ‘see you later,’ and goes home.  This is not the relationship that the Father desires for a child of God.  The Holy Spirit is ever present in the child of God.  The truth is, when a Christian is lounging on the couch, the Holy Spirit is still in his or her heart.  And if that person does something wrong, the Holy Spirit is still in his or her heart, and He is grieved.

   Jesus said, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14:15-17).  Why?  Because the commands of Jesus result in loving ways.  In order to live by love, a person needs to rely on the Holy Spirit.

   A child of God, Jewish or any other part of the human race, no longer lives under the law furthered by Jesus, rather that person lives by the Spirit, which Romans 7 through 8:17 makes clear.  Yet a child of God needs to learn the law furthered by Jesus, because a child of God is to strive to obey the commandments of Jesus Christ, moral commands which call for a life of loving God and people.  This is possible since a person living by the Spirit gains the desire and ability to live by the love of Jesus.

   A personal example on this subject is that Jesus furthered a commandment, one of the “Ten Commandments,” not to murder, saying that no one should harbor anger.  As one who harbored anger after the divorce of my parents, I was condemned by this commandment, yet I am now forgiven because I have received Jesus who forgave my sins.  And as one whose natural tendency was to take on anger when hurt, and to accumulate anger, I can obey Christ’s command when I allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart.  Upon giving my heart to Jesus, He put the Holy Spirit in my heart, thus I am enabled to love and obey God.  God has made what was impossible for me, possible.  The Spirit can make a person to be more like Jesus.

   I still have not said how to get healing.  I finally get to that point.  Here is the specific healing act, radical as it may seem.  If you have been hurt by your parents in any way, you will receive healing if you forgive them.

   Forgiveness is what you need to do in order to be healed.  God wants a husband and wife to love each other, and to love and participate in the life of any children.  God wants married couples to adhere to their wedding vow.  If that did not happen in your family, forgive.  And subsequent to the separation and divorce, maybe there have been hurtful things said or wrongs done.  As you keep forgiving, there is continued healing.  In a divorced family, there is often the need for much healing over much time.

   Forgiving someone is hard.  Several occasions or many may be necessary to pray about some specific wrongs that you need to bring before God.  Forgiving my parents involved several stages over a period of time.   Yet if Jesus is your Savior and Lord, then you are forgiven of sins, and you have God to enable you to forgive others.

   Concerning the general issue of forgiving, I recall once when I went about four months without forgiving a Christian brother for a single act done to me.   I needed to forgive him.  And in time, I also needed forgiveness for saying some mean things about him to a friend, which resulted from not forgiving him immediately.  Encouragement from a caring friend helped, unfortunately I did not forgive.  I then put a written reminder to call him and apologize on my bookcase.  But I still did not call or forgive.

   God had to keep working on me so I would recognize that not forgiving the person was wrong, and that I needed to make amends.  God was patient with me, allowing me to express anger, allowing me to withdraw from the situation, and allowing me to quiet myself before Him.  Indeed this all took four months.  And then when I was ready to listen to God, He gently guided me to forgive.  Relying on God, I forgave.  The action of forgiving was harder after time because bitterness only becomes more entrenched with time.  The saying that time heals is a lie.  There are some people of all ages who need healing for a hurt from youth that did not heal with time.  Yet on the other end, if you have gone a long time without forgiving someone, do not think it is too late.  God can enable you to forgive anyone right now.

   Do you know why Jesus offers you forgiveness?  He does so because He loves you.  Forgiveness is an aspect of love.  When we forgive people, we are loving God and those people.  The child of God who prays in sincerity to God to forgive someone, will be enabled to forgive.  But do not be surprised if there is some painful work done in your heart before you are ready.  Forgiving parents brings healing.  Forgiving anyone brings healing.

   Confronting the wrongdoings of a loved one is hard.  But you must face what he or she has done, because then you can acknowledge the need to forgive.  You do not even need to know a single detail about why you parents are divorced in order to forgive.  Simply recognize that the divorce was a result of wrongdoing of one or both parents, and then for-give.  What if someone does not acknowledge wrongdoing or does not accept your forgiveness?  How a person reacts to an expression of forgiveness has nothing to do with the act of forgiveness itself.  If you forgive, forgiveness has taken place in your heart.  Know that forgiveness can take place even if you no longer have contact with a person or if a person has passed away.  Forgiving anyone involves only you and God!

   Only God can offer the forgiveness of sins.  The Bible shows how Israelites were aware of this fact.  When you forgive someone, you are letting go of the wrong done to you.  You are not cleansing them of any wrongdoing.  People must accept forgiveness from Jesus to have the forgiveness of sins.  Those who do not will be accountable to God for their wrongdoings.  The Father sent Jesus for the purpose of forgiving sins.  If you have given your heart to Jesus, you are forgiven of your sins.  And people forgiven for sins against God are prime for forgiving people who have hurt them when sinning against God.

   Forgiving is possible for a child of God.  Jesus enables.  Jesus made it extremely clear in Matthew 6:14-15 that people need to forgive people for wrongdoings.  That is because Jesus wants what is best for you.  If you forgive someone who has hurt you, you open up yourself for more of His love.  When you forgive, anger or bitterness is removed from your heart.  True love from God fills a cleansed heart.  Receiving God's love to a new extent brings healing.  In Christ you can be restored by God's love.  And from there you will be able to love people more.

   The first time I ever read the New Testament, I intently noticed the specific physical and spiritual healing many people received from Jesus.  People who had faith in Jesus and approached Him for healing were healed.  Jesus was revealed to me as a miraculous healer.  He is not physically here now, so if you get physically hurt, get physical help.  But you should still enter prayer when physically hurt, because God’s spiritual intervention has a direct physical impact.  And concerning hurts that are unseen yet real, we need to turn to Jesus, who works through the Holy Spirit in our spiritual heart.  God wants to remove bad stuff in a heart, and God is willing to mend any broken heart submitted to Him.  Healing is available through Jesus Christ as marvelous and miraculous as ever.

My Parents Are Divorced - Chapter 3 - Forgiveness

Chapter Three:   FORGIVENESS

   When I was in the sixth grade, lip gloss was in for young ladies.  Most of the girls coated their lips with the substance, and their lips glimmered like freshly polished glass.  Included among the habitual lip gloss users was a young lady whom I will give the name Angel, since I do not want to embarrass her.  In addition to having lips that reflected sunlight, Angel was extremely sweet.  The more I got to know her, the more I thought that she was definitely the sweetest girl at Columbia Elementary.  She and I even danced together to a song from “Grease” at the sixth grade dance.

   We both went to the same junior high, but we did not have any seventh grade classes together.  However, we usually saw each other once a day as we passed in the hall between third and fourth periods.  We always said “hi” to one another.  Sometimes I would even wink and she would smile.  Looking back, I cannot believe how many times I winked at Angel.  How embarrassing.

   And both Angel and I attended the quarterly junior high dances.  I liked to dance, but I usually spent most of the time walking around looking at everyone rather than dancing.  But I did ask Angel for a dance when a really cool song would be played, usually my sole dance of the event.

   Then there was Valentine's Day.  The night before I made a Valentine's card for Angel out of stationary.  There was a butterfly over a nice blue background on the cover, and I wrote “Happy Valentine's Day” on the inside.  When we passed each other at our usual spot in the hall, I stopped in front of Angel to hand her the card.  And can you believe she had one in her hand for me.  It was a cute drawing and said that she thought I was neat.  So Valentine's Day was wonderful for me, but I did not take steps to further our relationship.  I just kept winking and saving my single dance for her.

   In the eighth grade, Angel's parents put her into a parochial school, and I sure was surprised to learn that she would no longer be attending our junior high.  But for my eighth grade year, my locker was only a few lockers away from her closest friend from my junior high.  I would ask her how Angel was doing, and she would tell me.

   Then came the night of a junior high orchestra concert.  I played the violin, and I was positioned in the chair behind the “first violinist” in plain view of the audience.  The night of the particular concert, my whole family was running late in getting prepared for the concert.  We had dinner late and then people were rushing around.  Orchestra concerts were one of the rare occasions when I would wear a tie.  Not knowing how to tie one, my dad was the person who always tied one on me.  Yet I was far from that stage since I could not find my dress pants.

   I only owned two suits, and only one fit.  The one that fit was a tan corduroy suit, with a matching vest and pants.  The other suit was the manly color of light blue with matching pants, both of which were too small.  The only occasions I had ever worn that light blue suit were for a few Easter services when the family had engaged in the novelty act of going to church.  I needed my tan pants, yet they were nowhere to be found.

   Though I asked my mom to help search, she soon said that we had no more time to look for the pants.  Under duress, I attempted to put on the light blue pants by blowing all of the air out of my lungs and sucking in my stomach.  I somehow managed to get the pants on my body, and I felt a sense of accomplishment being able to zip up and button the pants.  But the feat was briefly relished.  Standing in my room in my light blue pants and my tan corduroy jacket, I did not look cool.  I knew that sitting on stage, the pants would be “high-waters,” rising far above my brand new dress shoes.  Everyone attending the concert would clearly see me in the front row.  I was upset.

   Since family members were not ready to leave, my mom decided to drive me the long distance to the school immediately, since I had to be there about an hour before the concert started.  She then was going to return home to get the rest of the family.  Mom did not say much in the car as we drove along in a light rain.  I was already late, and my orchestra teacher usually scolded late comers, because she liked to take her time tuning every person's instrument so that each individual was in tune with the group as a whole.  Then she had us practice the rough spots in each piece before we hit the stage.

   Mom drove off as soon as I was on the sidewalk, and I quickly walked to the side door that I entered every morning.  It was still drizzling, and my new leather shoes had zero traction.  As I quickly approached the door, the smooth soles hit the wet metal grate that was on the ground in front of the door, and my feet went out from under me.  I smacked into the ground and hit my elbow.  This may sound dumb, but you need one elbow to play the violin.  And my violin case made a thud as it hit the ground, with a lingering muffled note of F sharp.  My violin was surely out of tune.  I think I said a bad word.  Then I went to open the door.  It was locked.

   Walking around the side of the school in the light rain, I was mumbling to myself.  Marching in the front entrance of the school, I quickly went towards the hall that I needed to go down.  Then, as I looked up, there in the junction between the main hall and my side hall was Angel.  She was standing next to her friend, smiling.  This is difficult for me to say, very difficult even all of these years later, but I gave her a sour look, and then I walked right past her and went down the hall.  I did not even say “hi.”

   I really tried to play well that night, thinking that Angel might be there.  Afterwards at the reception, Angel was not there.  That evening turned out to be the last time I ever saw her.  This story does not have a good ending.

   The evening of that orchestra performance, I had numerous reasons for being upset.  However, I never had a single reason to be upset at Angel.  Though not upset specifically with Angel, I sure acted that way, and that is what she surely thought.  Here was someone who liked me, who came to a concert to see me.  Yet she came at a time when I was caught up in myself, especially how I looked.  Being so caught up in myself, I not only was unable to talk to the girl I loved, but I even hurt her.

   The reality is that all of us have done things in the past that have hurt other people, and all of us have been hurt by other people.  Hurts inflicted and received both resulted from wrongdoings, thus we all need forgiveness and healing.  Yes, we all need forgiveness and healing.  First I address forgiveness, doing so by explaining why God’s plan involving the cross.

   I said in chapter two that God wants us to have eternal life because He loves us, and He provides that gift.  Now I expound on that gift, which involves forgiveness, by saying that the gift is available at the cross.  If talking about life, why do I present a sign of death?  A sign of death is exactly what a cross was two thousand years ago.  Ever hear the expression, “When in Rome, do as the Romans?”  One of the things the Romans did was to get rid of rebels and criminals by executing them on a cross.  And that is exactly what was done to Jesus, even though He was not found guilty of a Roman crime.  Jesus was crucified on a cross.  So where is the life and love?  The love is in the simple fact that this was God's plan.  If you think death does not sound like a keen plan, read on.

   The death of Jesus is too horrible to fully comprehend.  Preceded by a horrible beating, Jesus was not only tied to the cross, but pierced with nails through His hands and feet.  With a crown of branches containing thorns placed on His head by Roman soldiers, blood dripped from His head as he slowly suffocated on the cross.  To use a general word, I will call the death of Christ on the cross violent.  For God to have this violent death as His plan may seem contradictory because He hates violence.

   I know God hates violence since Genesis reveals this fact, showing how God was grieved by people during the time of Noah.  One reason was because there was much violence, which stemmed from the bad tendencies of people's hearts.  God decided to flood the earth to curb the violence and other wrongdoings.  But people dying by drowning is violent by my consideration.  And does not all death entail violence, even if only to a slight degree?  Yet people encounter death for one clear reason.  You find it in Scripture, including in Romans 6:23 which states; “For the wages of sin is death…”

   A route that leads to death is the path all people were on, since all people have sinned, doing what is apart from the righteous will of God.  Jesus, who was and is perfectly good, completely without sin, took the path of physical and spiritual death, suffering the spiritual consequences in place of anyone who would receive His love.  Physically, we remain on a path of physical decay as our bodies are deemed mortal by God due to sin.  But spiritually, God offers us salvation.  The reason salvation comes from believing in Jesus is because of who He is and because of His sacrifice of physical and spiritual death.

   God promised the Jewish people with prophesy that He would send a Messiah.  And the Son of God came, called Immanuel, which means “God with us.”  So God the Son was right here on earth.  Yet Jesus, righteous, ministering in this fallen world, evoked anger from many people whose devotion to wrongdoing was exposed by Him.  People then wanted to kill Jesus, and He was even betrayed by one of His friends.

   Yet the betrayal did not bring an end to Christ's ministry, because God knew what would happen all along.  God’s plan was for Jesus to die on a cross, an act that He deemed the single way by which people could be forgiven of sins.  Death was due people because of their separation from God and their sin, yet Jesus became the substitute.  In love, Jesus took the sins of people upon Himself on the cross and died.  The result of sin is death.  Jesus died for people as the ‘atoning sacrifice,’ with His substitutional death making amends for the wrong people have done.  The result of Christ’s death is available spiritual life, which He has offered since being resurrected and reunited with God the Father and God the Holy Spirit.  Yes Jesus was resurrected from death on the third day.  After rising from the dead, He talked with friends and even ate with friends.  Then Jesus returned to heaven, where He had originally come from.

   Every person whom God has created has been made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27).  God is Spirit (John 4:24), and people have been created with a spiritual nature.  People have souls, the unseen spiritual core of every human being.  Thus people have the ability to receive love and give love.  Like the soul, love is unseen, yet the effects of love can be seen.  Life for the soul is only realized by the possession of pure love.  Eternal life for a soul requires permanent true love.

So does the death talked about in Romans 6:23 have anything to do with a person's soul?  Yes.  People physically die due to the effects of sin.  Yet the term death as referred to in Romans 6:23 concerns spiritual death, lifelessness of the soul, which takes place if there is permanent separation of a soul from God.

   A “scientific conservation law,” a statement supported by human experiment and observation, is that “matter is neither created nor destroyed.”  For example, the matter of a physical body exists after death, though the matter of that body disperses and takes a much different form after death and decay.  But this scientific principle does not take into account spiritual truths which cannot be observed by humans.  Scripture reveals that God can create new matter (Genesis 1:1 and Revelation 21:5), and that God can destroy matter (Matthew 10:28).

   Yet Scripture does not contain exact details of the condition of a lifeless soul that is permanently separated from God.  A soul might retain a united form, even if dead, if that is the way God created a soul.  Fortunately we do not need to dwell on details of a soul separated from God since God does not want us focusing on spiritual death.  We do need to realize the realistic consequence of sin, which is hell and spiritual death.

   What a blessing that God wants us to focus on life, since life is God’s desire for us!  Life can only be created and renewed by God, and life is only sustained by God.  Eternal life is offered, and the way to receive this unimaginably great gift is by faith in Jesus (Ephesians 2:8).  Jesus is the offer for the forgiveness and end of sins, and salvation comes by God’s grace through faith in Jesus.  This day God offers eternal life to people who will accept His gift.  Sin blocks love, but the transfer of sins to Jesus, who suffered the consequence of them, makes it possible for you to have pure love permanently in the heart of your soul.  The second part of the Romans 6:23 verse reveals this offer; “…but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

   Before giving my heart to Jesus, I was told a few true facts about Jesus which I believed, and I recognized God reaching out to me on several specific occasions.  On several Christmas Eves and Easters, about eight times with friends, and for a few months before I gave my heart to Jesus, I heard a few Bible verses read in churches along with sermons.  And I did that small amount of reading of the Old Testament.  Also a few people had witnessed about God to me in the way they lived their life, such as a co-worker in college who once expressed to me his opinion of the immense value of the Bible.  I did not get to know him real well, yet I noticed the caring way he lived his life.

   In addition to hearing the few facts about God, I was exposed to many distorted facts about God and followers of Jesus in my youth.  Much literature about Christians I read in school portrayed children of God as uncaring or mean, and music lyrics I listened to told nothing of God’s love, and often gave a distorted portrayal of love.  And before I even understood the difference between people of specific denominations and a “Christian” in general, there was one college student who made a bad impression on me.  One night during my senior year at Virginia Tech, there was a guy from my hall who was talking with me in the computer lab.  He made some terrible sexual comments about a nice woman who was also in the computer lab.  He was one of the few “religious” people on the hall, and he was very proud to be a member of his denomination.  After that night, for a time, I had a negative view of people of his denomination.  Fortunately I learned not to judge a group of people based on individuals.  Yet that incident goes to show how much influence a “religious” person can have on someone who is not a Christian.  I thought much more highly of that woman, who was sweet to me after I stood up against the “religious” guy who had degraded her.

   Yet I think the key reason I was hesitant to get to know God better was I did not want to give up my “self-centeredness,” failing to consider I was not the person in my heart God wanted me to be.  In school I was considered “square,” people often wrote in my yearbooks that I was a “nice” guy, I became an Eagle Scout, I had a reputation for being “moral,” and I considered myself to be good.  But my heart was not right, my heart which I held such control over.  I did plenty of wrong actions, not truly loving God or people, and even hurting myself.  Really, I was spiritually dying.  Before being in a loving relationship with Jesus, I gained a belief, which I kept private, in the existence of God and that Jesus was the “Lord,” after He reached out to me in several specific ways throughout my years of youth.  I began to pray to God, not listening, but talking to Him, and that was a good start.  I was on a journey of faith, and God gently worked on me constantly and patiently as my desire to know Him increased.  The result was that I gave my heart to Jesus.

   I encourage you to take your wrongdoings, your hurts, your entire self to God in prayer.  Talk to God about whatever you want to.  Then listen some.  Jesus is God the Son who endured death on the cross to remove sins, sins which separate people from God.  Receiving Jesus brings to your heart life as you receive the love He has had for you all along.  You are loved by God, and to receive that love, you must receive Jesus.

   Concerning the issue of physical families, I do not know the specifics of your family situation now, and I might not be able to relate to what you are going through if I did.  I do know that you come from some sort of family, yet you are an individual, and every human being is responsible to God for himself or herself.  Even a five year old who has put finger paint in her sister’s hair is not accurate in telling God; “God, my finger paint move was an action that can be solely attributed to poor parenting.”  No.  Even that five year old needs to go to God and say, “I'm sorry.”

   I can easily look back to my relationship with Angel and reflect that the quality of my life might be better if I would have come from a better family.  Then I would have had more suits, and better ones at that, plus a mom who would have had me prepared hours before every event.  Then I could have strutted into my junior high looking prime, prepared to plant a big kiss right on Angel’s shiny lips.  But in junior high, I never asked my mom to take me out to buy a new suit.  I hated suits and I avoided the whole subject.  The nice suit I had, my mom purchased for me when I was not even present at the store, and she had to estimate my size.  I think she even bought two, and then returned the one which did not fit.  I made mistakes, but God is even willing to take from me my regrets as I live in Christ.

(Photo copyright randyhofman.com.  Used by permission.)

   “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).  All sins have the consequence of physical and spiritual death.  Jesus was the substitute for those consequences.  A favorite story of mine: "A young woman was picked up for speeding.  She was ticketed and taken before the judge.  The judge read off the citation and said, 'Guilty or not guilty?'  The woman replied, 'Guilty.'  The judge brought down the gavel and fined her $100 or ten days.  Then an amazing thing took place.  The judge stood up, took off his robe, walked down around in front, took out his billfold, and paid the fine.  What's the explanation of this?  The judge was her father.  He loved his daughter...." (McDowell 114-115).

   Jesus loves everyone.  He paid the penalty for all people with His life.  Then He was resurrected and lives evermore.  You have the choice to receive the gift Jesus offers.  To receive the gift of eternal life, you must believe in Jesus the Christ (Messiah) (John 11:25-26).

   Truly believing in Jesus results in being cleansed of sin, and receiving His Spirit into your heart.  Jesus Christ died for you.  That is true love.  If you believe in Jesus, Love will dwell in your heart forever.