My Parents Are Divorced - Chapter 1 - You Are Loved

Chapter One:   YOU ARE LOVED

   During the time of my parent’s separation, I often went for walks.  Along many streets in my neighborhood, and sometimes along streets of neighborhoods far away, I walked many miles.  At first I would observe houses, yards, and the occasional person who happened to be outside.  Simple brick houses were among the abodes I admired.  I also liked houses with a large porch, which was rare in my neighborhood.  Many yards were a deep lush green.  On most walks, surroundings would eventually go unnoticed for a period of time as I was thinking.

   Once when in constant thought about family problems, I was walking through a neighborhood by an elementary school.  Approaching a small house on a corner lot, I began to consider that if only someone would give me such a house to live in, then I would be happy.  Physically away from my family which was in disarray, I could live my own life.  I could earn enough money to buy a car, I could get a girlfriend, and then life would surely get better.  Happiness would be mine.

   There were three flaws with my fantasy of a prosperous physical break away from my family.  First of all, no one was offering a free house to me.  Secondly, there still would have been an attachment in my heart to my parents, in spite of all of the hurts.

   In fact there comes a time when a child becomes an adult and moves away from her or his parents.  Reaching adulthood should bring the stage of parental independence.  Parents can give support or advice to adult children like they would any friend, but “parenting” adult children is improper.  An adult is an adult.  Though the nature of your relationship with your parents should be different in your adulthood, hopefully there can still be friendship.  Yet whether or not that is an aspect of the parent-child relationship, there likely will still be a bond in your heart.

   Thirdly, even if I was in the position at that time to sign a lease on an apartment and financially support myself, and even if I had entered a relationship with a woman as a girlfriend, happiness would not have been the sure result.  True happiness, as opposed to a temporary state of being happy, does not result from circumstances; rather it is a permanent way of being.  Having good circumstances really helps support happiness!  Yet true joy exists even in rough circumstances for the person who has true love in his or her heart.

   So how do you get true happiness?  I proclaim that you get it by having love.  In fact the Bible reveals that all people need true love, not only for joy, but for everlasting life.  Where is love to be found?  Is the family the source of true love?  What if a person has been so hurt that he or she wonders if his or her heart should ever be opened again to anyone?

   Personally, around the time of my parent’s separation, both of them told me that they loved me, and some specific acts expressed that love.  But other actions by my parents conveyed the opposite.  Loving words accompanied by wrong and hurtful actions brought about confusion and frustration.  Both of my parents lost my trust.

   There are no perfect love relationships between parents and their children in any families in this world.  No parents on earth love their children perfectly, and there are no children on earth who love their parents perfectly.  And no people love their spouse perfectly.  So what is needed within spouse and parent-child relations is the substance of absolute love.

   Scripture, also known as the Bible, shows that neither humans nor the institution of the family is the source of pure everlasting love.  Yet even if you are experiencing hurt or desperation within troublesome family relations, perfect love can be received.  Rather than depending on family members for pure love, and rather than thinking you can produce love yourself, you must receive true love from the ultimate source.

   Since the source of perfect love is not found in a human family, some people head out to the next place of opportunity that comes to mind: the mall.  A young person might say to his or her parent, parents, or guardian, “I’m going to hang at the mall for a few hours,” which plainly translates to, “I’m going to the love hub in hopes of meeting someone who is hot.”  You young women know that at the mall there are many guys who have nice haircuts, good postures, and are quite witty when it comes to cutting on their friends.  And you young men know that at the mall there are many ladies who have skin tight clothing, colorful lipstick, and interesting shoes.  The saying “money can’t buy love” is valid because love is a gift.  Thus if the mall is a true love station, then you should be able to go to the mall with an empty wallet, yet walk out with love galore.

   There have been some good relationships begun at a mall.  I personally gained a friendship with a woman who worked at a vitamin store at the mall closest to me, not a romantic relationship I must add, who has since retired and moved to a different state.  Maybe there are some married couples who met at the mall.  My parents met in a library.  When they first met, my mom said my dad was reading a textbook with his feet propped up on a desk.  He had taken off his shoes, and a big hole in his sock was displayed to library patrons.

   But back to the mall, allow me make a fictional illustration.  Say that a young man was at the mall looking to get love.  He had brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and even put cologne on, at the cologne counter of the department store where he entered the mall.  Then he begins moseying around that department store, and speaking of interesting shoes, right there in the shoe section, boom, our love seeker spots a young lady whom he finds physically attractive.

   The two people engage in conversation and quickly learn they have at least two things in common.  They both go to high school, and they both dislike math.  After talking for a short time, the young guy asks the lady if she would join him for a lunch at the ‘Ooey Gooey Chewy Burger.’  The plot of this story gets even more interesting since it turns out that the young lady also came to the mall looking for love, though getting new shoes was an alternative plan.  And she not only thinks that the guy smells good, but she also thinks he is cute.  So two people who were both looking to get love interact with someone they are attracted to, and a relationship has been instigated.

   As I ponder this scenario, my mood becomes serious, because relationships are important since they involve people, who are important to God.  And specifically, relationships are the manner for people to share love.  In my fictional story there are two people, both of whom are looking to get love, who have established a relationship.  There is one key question that is still under consideration however.  Is either person also prepared to give love?  Rather than these two people walking hand in hand into a sunset in the parking lot at the west end of the mall, the issue of love within their relationship has only begun.  And the issue of love is not the same thing as love.

   Regardless of what kind of family background you come from, the two of us definitely have some things in common, including the fact that you and I both need love for life.  And you, like me, in this world lacking in love, have been hurt at some time.  I was hurt in my heart, hurt really bad.  That only further impaired a heart which already had some blockage which interfered with my ability to receive love.  A mall has numerous people mulling around, yet none of them have perfect love for you.  And a mall has much glitz, yet love does not come from a place.  Perfect love comes from a Person, and that Person is God.  God is love.  That is what Scripture states, in 1 John 4:16.

   In order to receive God’s love, you need to be in a relationship with God.  God knows everything about you, and God loves you.  To receive His love, you must desire to know God and to receive His love.  God has made available the possibility to know Him in a loving relationship, one that will lead to complete unity.  The way to be in a loving relationship with God is to believe in Jesus.  How can Jesus make a loving relationship possible?  In order to be in a true love relationship with God, a person must be holy, which is being pure and good.  Why?  Because God, who is Holy, will not be in the intimate full communion required for a true love relationship unless there is holiness.  True love involves holiness.  People fall short of holiness, as it states in Romans 3:23, yet a person can be forgiven of wrongdoings and enabled to become holy.  Jesus offers forgiveness and His Spirit, thus a person who receives Jesus will begin a loving relationship with God.
   In order for you to determine for yourself if this is true, you need to learn about who Jesus is.  God has made this possible.  The beloved minister, author, and scholar from London, England, John Stott, once wrote, “Being both finite and fallen, we cannot reach [God.] We could never know [God] (unless he should take the initiative to make himself known)…” (Stott 36).  He has.  In the Bible, verses one and two of the first chapter of the book of Hebrews inform us that God spoke to people in history through prophets, and then for all times God spoke through Jesus, who was God incarnate, which means God in the flesh.  These revelations of God are recorded for us in Scripture, the 66 books of the “Bible.”
   This book will illuminate some of God’s revelations written in Scripture.  God’s revelations reveal His love for people, including the opportunity for people to have forgiveness.  Ultimately His revelations reveal Himself: a loving Father, a Son who is a Savior, and a Holy Spirit.  God’s revelations lead to the astonishing truth of Christianity that God offers true love to people, indeed God offers Himself, and it all starts with Jesus.
   To open up to Jesus, you do not need to know all of the answers.  A relationship with Jesus is the beginning of much learning.  I gave my heart to Jesus in 1990, and I learn more from God every day.  If I am on earth fifty years from now, I will still be learning.  Seeking answers is a blessed pursuit, yet both your mind and your heart must be involved when it comes to learning about God.  And though you need faith in Jesus to receive God's love, such faith should not be arbitrary.  My faith in Jesus is rooted in God’s revelations in Scripture.

   Relationships, families, and divorce are all discussed by Jesus in Scripture because of His love for people.  Marriage was affirmed by Jesus to be a union between a husband and wife until physical death, as is recorded in Matthew 19: 4-9.  When that union is broken, it means that there was wrongdoing at some point by at least one spouse or both.  Jesus did give a provision allowing divorce in certain circumstances (Matthew 5:32), which includes abuse and adultery, which are certain manifestations of anger and lust.  One of your parents may have made an appropriate decision by divorcing his or her spouse.  But even if a parent appropriately sought a divorce, there is no doubt that at least one parent engaged in wrongdoing, and all family members were hurt by that action if divorce was the consequence.

   Each divorce situation is different.  Even if I had some details of your family situation, the complexities of relationships and the plethora of facts could easily prevent me from fully understanding what you had gone through and are going through at this time.  Concerning me, I give a brief sketch of my family situation.  My parents separated after twenty-one years of marriage, and I was hurt.  They ended up being separated for over five years, and their separation was terrible for me in all five of those years.

   Since I was in college at the time of their separation, I did have the advantage of being physically out of the situation for much of the time.  I diverted my attention to studies and a part time job.  But as the separation continued, problems in my family only escalated.  Going home from college was miserable, and I was often forced to stay at the house of some friends for various periods of time.  Then after college, pursuing my own plans and dreams seemed tangled in with my ever crumbling family, because of the fact I stated earlier concerning my ‘breakaway’ fantasy, which was that I still had a bond of love in my heart with my parents even though they both, to much different degrees, hurt me.

   Divorce between my parents did finally take place.  Such closure was welcomed by me, yet the divorce brought no improvement in family relationships for me.  I can clearly articulate now that what I have gone through has been awful.  And the tragic fact remains that the two people in this world who are my mom and dad are divorced.

   I do not write this as someone who handled his parent’s divorce in an outstanding manner.  I write this book as a result of what God has done in my heart.  Having received love from God, there has been healing, and He has even brought good for me out of my situation of having immense family difficulties.  There are some problems that remain to this day in my relationships with my parents, and because of this, I still need help.  God continues to guide and support me.  And concerning you, the title of this chapter contains “you” because God does love you unconditionally.  The next chapter shows how God offers love to you.